A Tough Boundary Question

A Tough Boundary Question

Do you need to draw a line in the sand?

I received a question from a client who is working hard to set boundaries with her husband. She loves him and wants her marriage to work, but he will not take personal responsibility for his anger and how it is affecting her and their two children (long term, chronic problem). So she moved herself and her two kids out of the house and in with her parents (he refused to move out) and put the ball in her hubby's court by asking him to get help so that their family can be together in a healthy way. Her question to me was:

"The question or advice I am in need of is weighing heavy on me, when is it okay for me and the kids to move back home? I know I would love to go and be back in my own home but I don't want to rush this, I know I want to wait until he goes and actually meets someone [therapist]. Then I have doubts because last time he went to the church group he went for only a month and quit and said he didn't need help...I know I don't want to put a timeline on it, but I am just not sure."

Here is my response:

You are wise to forgo a timeline or deadline date.

We would say to kids who have failed to be responsible for their actions, "I will take a chance on you, trust you, allow you to do blank, when I don't have to worry about blank causing a problem anymore."

The same goes for adults who cross our boundaries and refuse to take personal responsibility for it. It is a gift to them to give them a chance to completely solve the problem they have created. (And sad when they choose not to.)

You will know when you are not worried or concerned or when you feel safe and ready to try again at home. You will no longer feel the fears and apprehension you feel now because something is happening to address, solve and change the problem. Ownership has been taken and ENOUGH TIME has passed to indicate the efforts to solve the ongoing long term problem aren't just manipulative in nature.

In the meantime, it is GREAT to express to our loved ones that THIS is the criteria for which we will try again (i.e., "I will come back home when I no longer have to worry about this problem.") Some people only take ownership of the problems THEY CREATE when the know that you WILL NOT. In the mean time, You can take total ownership of 1. Your part in the problem and 2. What you are willing or not willing to do because of their part of the problem. (And GOOD FOR YOU FOR THAT!!)

Make sense?

Boundaries with people we love are hard but necessary. We implement and enforce our boundaries to raise the standard of love and respect for both parties involved... not just for ourselves. By raising the bar for the one we love, we are telling them that they are capable of so much more. And they are. We all are. Our love should grow others, not keep them small, weak or crippled.


By the way, there are TWO elements to boundaries that must be implemented in order for them to be effective.

1. Setting the boundary.......We do this with WORDS (Easy part)

2. Enforcing the boundary........We do this with ACTIONS (Hard part...I won't lie!)

My anonymous client who I quoted above (with her permission) did both of these very well. How about you?

10 Ways to Start Fresh in 2014

1. Unsubscribe to emails you NEVER read (except for mine). It only takes a few seconds and it will save you hours of time that would add up cleaning out your inbox everyday. You can always find that information again... that's what Google is for.

2. Donate every kitchen utensil or personal care product you did not use in 2013. Be Free! Why store useless items in the sanctuary that is your home? Get rid of a little bit every week so that you are always purging.

3. Donate every piece of clothing you did not wear in 2014. Don't believe the lie that you will wear it again, "someday." Someday is not a day of the week. Let it be a blessing to someone else!

4. Pitch every pair of scruffy shoes and piece of ratty clothing you own no matter how much you love them. You will find love again. I promise. In the meantime, good things tend to come to those who don't hold on to the last shred of the past.

5. Choose one personal health goal to begin working on in 2014. Just one to start. Then tell one friend who is not afraid to call you on your crap to hold you to it. Write it down as if it already happened and put it somewhere you will see it everyday. Then say it out loud each day. (i.e., I have cut out 75% of my sugar intake. It's showing on my waistline and I am feeling fabulous!  Or...I run 20 miles per week and I feel empowered!)

6. Choose one professional or business goal to begin working on in 2014. Follow instructions from number 5. See yourself as if you've already accomplished it.... and you will. As a man thinks in his heart, so is he. (Proverbs 23:7)

7. Say goodbye to draining people. Friendships that bring more negative than positive to your life are like a checkbook that's overdrawn all the time. No matter how much you deposit, you never get ahead. Not  worth the energy. No hard feelings necessary - just wise "budgeting" of the love and care you spend out of your great big heart.

8. Set new, firm, loving limits in old problematic relationships. (This mostly applies to people you are related to and aren't able to budget out of your life.) Try saying NO where you previously said YES but knew you shouldn't... such as: I will spend time with you again when it is fun for me, too. I will continue this talk when we are both calm. I will do those extra things for you when I feel respected. I will work as hard on your problems as you are willing to work on them. And so on.

9. Let yourself off the hook! Forgive yourself for.... being human. You can't possibly get it all right every time, your DNA won't let you. Accept failure as part of the journey to success but never accept defeat. (All successful people have a string of failures behind them, but not all people who fail become successful.) If you have not given up, regardless of setbacks, rejection or failure, then you need to give yourself some serious credit! If you have given up, decide to get up and go again! 

10. Have a talk with God. Only He can truly clean your slate and make all things new. Only He can unload your fears, your guilty conscience and those heavy burdens. Only He can give you the power to love like you want to love and the gift of being loved the way you long to be loved. And guess what? He wants you to start 2014 with HOPE. I promise. Just Ask Him!

Happy New You!

Tips for Saying No

I encounter more and more people everyday, who have a really hard time saying No in certain situations.

In fact, this is such a common theme these days, that I thought I'd send out a couple of tips for you to consider when you have to decide between Yes or No when faced with a request. You may just need some assertive communication tools and I would love to offer you some to try.

Tip #1... BEFORE you answer Yes or No to a request, ask yourself these two key questions:

1. Am I willing?

For example: You are asked to volunteer to coordinate an event or coach a team. Your initial reaction is to feel obligated - but don't answer yet! Feeling obligated does not mean this is the best decision for you! Ask yourself if you really want to do this..... If the answer is Yes, I actually want to do this.... still.... DON'T ANSWER YET, because there is one more question to ask.

2. Am I able?

You may really want to, but flat out cannot. What would be some good reasons you cannot say Yes, even though you'd like to? Well, I would compel you to consider whether you have the...

a. Time
b. Energy or
c. Money (if necessary for the endeavor).

These are three of your most valuable and limited resources. We all only get 24 hours in a day. We all have to go to sleep at night for a new supply of energy for tomorrow and I don't know about you, but my bank account is still limited. So, are you spending these resources carefully and wisely, or are you totally overextended in one or more of these areas?


Tip #2...Answer the request based on your honest reply to the two questions without offering a lengthy explanation.

Your answer to the original request for help might sound something like this:

"I would love to help with this, I really would! However, my plate is just full enough right now and I just can't fit in one more thing. Please don't hesitate to ask me again next year though!

-OR-

"That sounds really fun! Unfortunately I am already committed to something during that time. But I have an idea of some other great candidates for you!"

Saying No without a detailed explanation is key because offering your 'reasons' for saying No only invites the listener to weigh them up and decide whether to approve or disapprove. (Whether their approval/disapproval is stated or goes unstated, this is human nature's internal response to hearing anyone plead their case.) BOTTOM LINE: YOU ARE NOT ASKING FOR APPROVAL. You are spending your resources carefully and wisely so you can be the best you can be in the areas of your life that matter most to you. Furthermore, explaining invites judgment and we've all had enough of that. You are simply responding to a request. Leave it that simple.

Tip #3... Here's what to do if you choke:

You are so flustered trying to remember what to ask yourself and also feeling the pressure of obligation in the moment so naturally your instinct would be to make a snap decision to put an end the this flood of emotions inside of you. PLEASE DON'T MAKE A SNAP DECISION. Simply say something like:

"Oh, sounds interesting.. Can I give it some thought and get back to you?"

-OR-

"I will consider it and get back to you. When do you need my final answer by?"

You just bought plenty of time to ask yourself the two questions: "Am I willing? And if so, am I able?" You can get back to them once you have prepared your reply. (If you have a really hard time with this, I recommend rehearsing several times.)

Well, these are some really powerful, really helpful skills to keep you from being a YES man or woman and totally overextending yourself. These two questions changed my life. I never knew I had a right to not want to do something. Or the right to not have the resources to do something even if I wanted to do it. I guess I needed permission to say No, or to say, I want to, but can't. And that's why I'm giving it to you, today (just in case you need it, too.)


Now.... the million dollar question is.......

Can you do this WITHOUT GUILT???

How to Build a Team... by My Kids

I've been immersed in Leadership Training lately. Books, Cd's, articles, etc. I am inspired. And leaders aren't satisfied just to be inspired themselves, they must inspire others. Especially their own teams! So I get this idea to go out for dinner with the family and call it our "Monthly Team Building Dinner." I was so excited. I just knew that this was the start of a spark which could be fanned into a flame. I am, after all, a perpetual visionary. (But my visions don't always play out in reality like they do in my head... go figure. But, I digress.) 

So here we are, Scott and I and a bunch of kids, 14 and under, munching our Mexican food as I announce my agenda. Let's just say, no one did a cartwheel. A couple of kids said, 

"A what?" 

"A TEAM BUILDING DINNER." (Note to self: You don't actually have to announce what it is to accomplish its purpose.) I begin to talk to them about my feelings about the team and how I would love to hear what each one of them thinks of the team and what would make it even better.

"What team?"

"Yeah, Mom, what team?"

Deep breath.

"Our family, kids. I'm talking about the Krueger Family." (Big smile.)

"Oh." Munch munch.

Alright, I've worked with tougher crowds than this one, I reasoned. I can handle this. I just keep moving along with the same amount of excitement and energy partially wondering if this will go down in our family history as a total FAIL. (Even a FAIL in our family isn't a total fail if it provides laughter later! Because Tragedy + Time = Comedy in this house.) 

I begin to build up the team and tell them that I think we have some great things going on. We are a loving family, we work hard, we laugh, we play and so on. I speak of how we need each other... how everyone on a team is needed to make the team work. Then I begin to ask some questions. 

"So, Lucy, (names have been changed to protect the not so innocent) what are some things you think we could do different or better to be an even BETTER team? A better family?

Silence....................

"Lucy?"

....................

"Ah, Lucy.... did you hear me?"

Blank stare.

"Oh. Are you talking to me?"

"Ah, Yes."

"What did you say? I didn't hear you."

I'm trying to stay calm now, because Lucy had a 'silent attitude' going since we left the house. Not that I prefer the loud attitudes more, I don't. It's just that I'm pretty sure with how silent she was being, she could hear what the people out in the parking lot were saying.

"What are some things we could do different or better to be an even BETTER family?"

"I don't know........... Be nice to each other?"

"Okay, what do you guys think of that?"

"Mom, can I have a quarter?"

"No, not right now."

At this point, I thought of countless leaders who were highly motivated for progress, growth and success and like me, their enthusiasm was met with..... boredom.

 

But, I pressed on.

And am I glad I did.

Sometimes a little extra patience pays off.

My kiddos surprised me. And challenged me. Kids are, first of all, HONEST. If you need to take your leadership temperature, so to speak, ask your kids. Secondly, they are very insightful. Not a lot gets past them relationally. 

Here is a list of things that my "Team" came up with to make us a better family:

• be nicer to each other
• get along better
• don't fight with each other
• work together side by side
• everyone take care of their own stuff
• care for each other more
• love each other better
• spend more time together as a family
• trust each other

And this last one, my husband threw in. (It's his secret to staying sane with 11 step-children):

• keep a good sense of humor

Then I asked them this: "Kids, what makes a team really stick together?" They all agreed.....

"Love and Trust."

I found myself wanting to rise to the occasion....To love more, to demonstrate more trustworthiness.... To show that I care with actions, not just think about how much I care....To model the things that they said would make us better. 

Because I want to be better.

I want my family to be better.

Wait a minute. Now... 

Who's leading who?

Confessions of a Recovering Drill Sergeant

So..... I ran an experiment. I decided to put my Love and Logic skills on a shelf and be a good old fashioned drill sergeant again. On purpose. I did this because I was genuinely frustrated, but I really wondered if some shock and awe might just throw the kids off guard enough to get some results. I know from my old drill sergeant days that if this frustrated, angry, bossy mom is all they get, then it is totally ineffective. But I thought, it's been a while since they got that mom..... so lets give it a whirl. 

I started with some good old fashioned yelling. I threw in some threats of impending doom and topped it off with dripping sarcasm. And being totally truthful..... it felt good! In the moment, it felt great. No more having to work so hard to use my skills! Stay calm? Nahhhh. Remember my one-liners, etc. Uh-ah. No empathy from this Drill Sergeant, Mom!  Man, I was sick of this crap! Enough was enough already! This will teach 'em! And the kids could see that Mom was NOT HAPPY. The problems I was most sick of were mostly with one particular strong-willed 12 year old. He was the one I was really hoping to 'send a message' to. As the evening unfolded, I noticed that everyone.... that is everyone EXCEPT FOR the 12 year old.... were falling in line and saluting like little soldiers. I even got a note from Ava (my 7 year old) saying how bad she felt for me because the kids were making me so "tyird" and "frustratid" (tired and frustrated).

I know. Heart wrenching. I'll get to the note in a minute. So I've got a troop of little soldiers and one who's gone AWOL. Well, not really, but in terms of joining the others to salute, definitely AWOL. What became quickly and painfully obvious to me was that the more frustrated I became, the more challenging he became. A power struggle ensued over anything and everything that this kids could think up until beyond his bedtime. It ended with him leaving his bedroom door open after they all went to bed, so that the dog would keep going in his room. He would then chase him out of the room, down the stairs with all of the noise and drama you can imagine claiming that he just "can't get Lincoln to stay out of his room!" (Because closing the door just wouldn't get his mom's goat like chasing the dog around the house and yelling and pounding after everyone's bedtime so that wasn't an option.) After 3 or so rounds of this, I calmly went up stairs and closed his bedroom door. Within 30 seconds, I heard him open the door. Is your blood pressure going up just reading this? I know. At this point I faced the facts: MISSION FAILED. ABORT. ABORT. ABORT.

I calmly put Lincoln in his kennel. Left the door and the child alone and put myself in a time-out. I needed to decompress and reflect on this later. No sense in staying worked up. Everyone was in bed now, the house was quiet (or so I hoped). A couple of hours later, as I was getting ready to go to bed and  I had this feeling - familiar, but unwelcome. I felt........ bad. I felt like a bad mom. I remembered my yelling. Even though it was a "controlled outburst" it was an outburst, nonetheless. I just didn't feel proud of that. I knew I had gotten in the ring. And worse - I got in the ring first and invited tham all in! I felt... icky. Guilty. Then I took a couple of minutes to read the note that Ava had given me several hours earlier.......... yikes. My heart just sank. The one I was attempting to teach was further away from learning and the littlest of them all got caught in the crossfire. More confirmation that my experiment had failed. And isn't that like combat? It's always the innocent that suffer most.

But here's what's great about experiments: Even failed ones can be a benefit to you.... IF YOU LEARN FROM THEM. So I quickly pushed aside the temptation to wallow in guilt, decided I would take my skills back off of the shelf and made a mental list of everything I learned from this experiment:

1. Anger and frustration REALLY DO FEED MISBEHAVIOR

2. L&L is spot on when they say, "NEVER TELL A STRONG WILLED KID WHAT TO DO. Instead, tell him what you are willing or not willing to do." As soon as I started telling him what's what.... it was GAME ON. And that's a game I am no longer interested in playing!

3. Making parental decisions out of anger, or any decisions for that matter, is a set up for failure. It is best to wait until you are calm, even if it takes a couple of days! When you are too mad, or you just plain don't know what to do, wait. Wait until your mind is clear. Wait until you can deliver the consequence or bad news to the child with EMPATHY. 

4. The more I yelled and argued with the kids, the more arguing and yelling went on in my house. All of the sudden it was time for everyone to tell everyone else everything on their minds....... It was one thing after another. What a can of worms I opened!

5. Making kids feel that they are responsible for your emotional state is not fair to them or healthy. I am in charge of how I feel and how I act based on those feelings. Ava's note was a painful reminder that kids are little sponges and they soak up everything you teach them, spoken and unspoken.

6. The most important and profound lesson I learned is that I use my skills to FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF! Not to control my children. I've ended many days having one or more strong willed kids who refused to 'learn' and went to bed while still trying to get me to engage and jump in the ring. But the difference was: When I used my skills, I went to bed feeling good about me and at peace on the inside. And that's the way I prefer to live.

I was also reminded that kids are quick to forgive when we are quick to apologize.  :-)  Thank God. 

So there you have it..... confessions from a recovering Drill Sergeant's failed but wonderfully confirming experiment.

Let The Pain Do Its Work

So, you've inventoried your relationships, and found that you were trying to help one or more unhelpable people. Maybe even a close family member, spouse or other loved one. Now what? You might be wondering, "Then how can I help them? I can't just do nothing!" I agree. Love is actually an action not a feeling. If our love is genuine, then it should be demonstrated with actions. Here is my follow up video to help you with the next step:

So.... loving means allowing the ones we love to feel the natural consequences of their choices. (So that the discomfort or pain can motivate them to reconsider those choices!) Rememeber: you can choose to do something about your pain even if no one else in your life does.

Please don't ignore those dashboard lights... I did that for too long. The pit was only deeper and darker when I finally decided to climb out. Maybe you've already been ignoring those pain signals for so long, you think, "Why bother?" If that's you, I say: Never Never Never give up! It's NEVER too late to choose life!

Remember this: You always have options. You may not like any of them, but you always have options. Choose to take care of YOU and others who really want to change will eventually follow.
 

Unhelpable People

If you're like me, then you want to help others. Have you found yourself working harder to help someone than they are willing to work to help themselves? I have. I have also been that person. In my newest Vlog, I will tell you about two kinds of people who cannot be helped. 

 

Two kinds of people that cannot be helped: (REVIEW)

1. People who refuse to admit that they have a problem.

2. People who believe that you, others or circumstances are the source of their problems.

You have so much to give. And your time, emotional energy and money are your most valuable resources. Spend them first on yourself, and then on people who can be helped! Remember this: Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% what we do with it! Realizing that you are trying to help the unhelpable? My next Vlog is for you!