Love Does the Hard Thing

"Anything that's worth having, is worth working for." Don't you just hate that saying? Okay, hate is a strong word. Don't you just dislike that saying? It really goes against the grain of our human nature. Even if we strongly agree with it! Which I do. Why is everything so hard? Why can't it just come easy for a change? I guess I might just be a little tired right now from working so hard for things that are worth having. And by things, I don't mean stuff. I mean people. I mean relationships.

Alright, I'm through whining now, (and the rest of this blog entry will mainly be written to myself). Yes, people are worth it. Yes, relationships are worth the blood (depending on whose it was ;-), sweat and tears. But why? Well, sometimes that answer escapes us. The real answer, that is. Of course, there are all of the appropriate answers.. like.. "Because people are important, and so are their feelings." Yes, true. But when those important people with all those tender feelings are the very people who are making mince meat of yours, then what? Then what is your motivation? Hmmm. "Love. Love is the answer. We do it for love!" Okay. That sounds great. But I have a question for you: Are you working hard for the sake of giving love, or for the sake of GETTING it?" Ouch. (I hate it when I ask myself those questions!)

People do and say A LOT of things for the sake of love. God knows I have. But being honest, for the better portion of my life, I endured and struggled and did some hard things in relationships and it was so that I could get love, not necessarily give it. And typically no one involved was better for it. Shouldn't love, pure love, righteous love, make things better? Well, in Hollywood, any kind of love makes things better! (In fact, it sells any kind of movie, too! Oh! And makes you able to kill, like, 8 armed men with your bare hands and various other feats that used to only be believable in Marvel Comic Books, but I digress.) Really, think about this. If 'love is all we need' and 'love conquers all', then why do so many 'loving' relationships deteriorate or even implode? Why are people worse and not better after loving and being loved? And I'm not just referring to romantic relationships. This is a universal question and I believe, there's a universal answer.

It all comes down to what love is, what love does and what love really looks like. Tough to explain without a lot of cliches but I will try. I will start with what love isn't. In my humble opinion, love isn't giving people what they want so that they will be happy with you and like you more. Love isn't rescuing people from pain so that they don't have to suffer or so that they will become dependent on you. Love isn't saving someone from the natural consequences of their poor choices in order to 'protect' their reputation (or is it yours? I'm confused.) Love isn't 'putting up with' someone, no matter how unbecoming their behavior,  because, "Ya know, I love 'em". (Tolerance actually communicates approval and reinforces what it is tolerating).  Love does not defend and protect because "My ___________ would NEVER do that!!!" (There's a word for that. It's denial.) Love isn't acting like something doesn't really bother you when it really does, but you're afraid if you say that out loud, there might be conflict. (Conflict is bad because it leads to disapproval and disapproval leads to separation and separation is bad because it leads to loneliness so, no, definitely don't say anything.) Yeah, that's not love either, but we all do that. Love is not: I just want them to have everything they want and not have to struggle for it. (If the Heavenly Father thinks struggle is good enough for His kids, why isn't it good enough for yours?)  Love isn't nicer to the neighbors than it is to its own family. Love is not spending every waking moment with one person to the point where they don't even have time for their own family/friends anymore. Love doesn't do that. Love doesn't do any of these things. Selfishness does. Selfishness disguised as love.

I can hear the outcry now... "WHAT! Are you calling me selfish?? Do you have any idea how much I LOVE __________??" Yes and no. Yes I'm calling you selfish. I'm calling myself selfish, too. I am guilty of all of the above and worse in the name of love. And no, I really couldn't possibly have a real idea of how much you love anybody. But I don't doubt that you do. I am simply saying, that we can't do whatever feels good for us in a relationship, or produces the return we are after, and slap a label on it called 'LOVE'.

Love (when it comes to loving people) is actually a pretty concrete thing. Its an action, or a series of actions. And in order to be classified as actual love, real love, God's love, its motive is ALWAYS what is best for its subject. In other words, love is NEVER self-serving. Love always discerns what is best (in the long run, not just immediately) for the person it's loving. Regardless of personal cost. It may cost fun. It may cost loneliness. It may cost persecution. It may cost rejection. It may cost money. It may cost the relationship itself! But it is always a worthwhile investment because it is an investment in people. And an investment in love, always produces multiplied returns. (Remember that whole reaping and sowing thing? Well it applies to loving just like anything else. "Whatever a man sows, so shall he reap...")  Paul described love the best in 1 Corinthians 13. I could never say it as well as he did, but I have found some ways to say it that help me remember what love looks like in a tough situation, or in a tough relationship. Love allows people to fail and believes they will rise in spite of their failures (And who knows? Maybe even BECAUSE of them!)  Love knows that struggle produces character in kids of all ages: 9 months-99!  Love holds people accountable, so they can take responsibility for their actions. Love knows that this is the recipe for maturity and growth. Love also knows that some have a particular aversion to maturity and growth, and love can accept that. Because love gives the freedom to choose. (If you're not sure about that, read the Old Testament.)  Love does not reject people, although it may have to reject their choices or lifestyle. Love says "Yes" as often as it can, and "No" only when it must.  Love respects. Loving is treating others the way you want to be treated. Even when you're not getting that treatment. Especially when you're not. That's REAL love. Love sometimes has to say, "You are killing yourself slowly, and I won't help you do it." How could love possibly consciously help inflict harm on its subject? It couldn't. (Don't mistake natural consequences for poor choices as 'harm'. Harm is self sabotaging behavior.) Love says, "You are free to choose that for yourself, but that will not work for me."

If your motive, and mine, is NOT selfish, then our love should help make those that we love, better. (Should they choose to partner with that love and do their own 'hard things'.) In essence, our love should be like a door, flung wide open, which leads to a staircase that will take those that we love higher. Unfortunately, they may not choose to take it. But it never chooses for them. Love lets others choose for themselves. No matter the cost. Look at what Jesus did. He flung open the biggest door that ever existed, paid the highest, most precious price ever paid, and yet lets us choose to accept His offer, or to spit in his face. We will never have to suffer as He did, but suffer we will. Choose your poison: pain from a life of selfish 'love', or the pain of loving someone well, loving them higher. Either way there is pain. One produces no fruit, the other, a bounty of good, the least of which is in your own heart! Not to mention what it does for the one you're loving. Yes. Yes. It is worth it. I choose love, because people are worth it. Jesus is worth it. And He did the hardest thing of all.

It's a Good Year to be Free

Do you feel free? I mean on the inside of you? Here's how you can tell: When people (kids, spouses, in laws, co-workers) do hurtful or dumb things to you or around you, you respond.... NOT REACT. You maintain your personal sense of peace even in the midst of said stupidity, hurtfulness, etc. You easily separate your problems from theirs and let yours be yours and theirs be theirs. You are slow to anger and judgement and quick to forgive. When you do fail or fall, you are quick to right your wrongs and don't waste a minute beating yourself up over it. After all, that's what enemies are for. Why help them out? You believe what God says about you to be the truest thing about you. Not what others say. Definitely not what you say! 

That's what freedom looks and feels like. At least to me. That is the freedom I have been and will continue to fight for. In myself. In the ones I love. IN YOU. 

It is a new year. I have strengthened my resolve. I have enlarged my vision. I have increased my faith. I have broadened my horizons..... to see more people... like me (and including me)... who lived or are living in a cell of their own making... while blaming others.... experiencing freedom.

Where to start? I'm going to be honest and NOT candy-coat it. It starts with that guy or girl staring back at you in the mirror when you are brushing your teeth. Look him/her in the eye raise the standard! Make a decision to whiten more than your teeth! Take personal responsibility for your lot in life. The good, the bad and the ugly. Yes, we've all been 'done dirty' by someone(s). But don't use that as an excuse anymore! The buck stops with you. With me. Make a decision to make decisions that allow you to look in that mirror with a clean conscience. Not powerless regret. The person with the most control over my life is ME. Unless I'm giving it away. Who are you giving all that control over your peace and joy to? How is that working for you so far? Take it back. Make it your own again. Commit to being teachable and learn every single day how to be a better you, the best you, eventually. The you that God sees. And allow your faith in God to empower you to succeed, not be an excuse or free pass for your failure. Commit to adding some new, much more effective skills to your relational resumé.

Are you up for it? Tired of the pain that leads to more pain? How about a little pain that actually brings gain? In fact, it pays dividends! It's the journey I am on and will be on until I take my last breath. Will you join me?