The Cycle of Anger

Does this look familiar? Someone does something you don't want them to do... So you get mad. You react in your anger.... ready, aim, fire! Their reaction? They get mad right back. They take aim.... and fire. Now... you're even MORE mad! This can go on and on... in one day, or even in one hour. Until you calm down.  Then you feel so guilty that you try to do something nice or make up for your outburst in some way and things calm down for a while again. Until..... they go and do that thing that makes you SO mad AGAIN!

I received a friend request on Facebook once from a somewhat questionable source. I had never met or even heard of this person. Before I hit ignore, which would be my usual practice in cases like this, curiosity got the best of me. I began to read about this person and man, I'm glad I did. First of all, it provided me with hours of entertainment. (Even now, as I type this, I'm chuckling at the memory). Secondly, its great material for this blog! The 'About' section read something like this:

I don't need anger management, I just need people to stop pissing me off!!!!!!! 'Like' if you love Jesus! 

Wow! Where do I begin??? I'll just give it to you in bullet points: 

• Yep. Ignore is the right button for me.
• People are not your problem.... your temper is your problem!
• Don't even get me started on following that ridiculousness up with loving Jesus.....
• FYI as long as you're breathing oxygen, other oxygen breathers are going to say and do things that are at the very least, annoying. And worse: downright hateful. You might want to have a better plan to deal with it than trying to control others....

Controlling others... isn't that what anger is all about? We are mad because they are not doing what WE want them to do. We get mad to teach them to do what we want them to do. I know this because I've lived this. I'm here to tell you... its like a fire. It only grows and spreads.

There is an alternative. What if we take all the energy we are putting into trying to control other people's choices, and spend it on making better choices for ourselves? Let's learn to choose things that make it easier to look in the mirror everyday at the person looking back at us. We can start with three really good ones. They are called the 3 A's:

1. Acknowledge

2. Accept

3. Action

Okay, lets apply the 3 A's to all of those people who are pissing you off. 1. Acknowledge that the actions of others are frustrating, hurtful, etc. 2. Accept that YOU CANNOT CONTROL THE ACTIONS OF OTHERS! (And you were never meant to-not even your kids-God gave His kids free will. If it's good enough for His kids, isn't it good enough for yours? Btw, that is also why there are consequences.) 3. Take Action by doing something that you CAN do something about: YOURSELF. You have the MOST control and the MOST influence over YOU. Make a choice for you. Will you keep YOUR SIDE of the street clean? Start by replacing the cycle of anger with a new cycle - OF RESPECT. Decide to stop reading your lines from the script for the Angry Play. Excuse yourself when that outburst is on the tip of your tongue and the fire in your chest is kindled. Maybe even excuse yourself before that. Tell the ones you love... I love you too much to keep doing this. And love yourself enough to stop listening to the hateful words being thrown at you like flaming darts. Love others enough to set some limits and enforce them. If its your child, with an, "I hate you! You don't love me at all!" Say, "Nice try. I will talk to you more about this when we are both calm."  Then, remove them and/or yourself. Model TIME-OUTS. Let's go to our room to calm down. Isn't that what we want them to do? Then later, when you are calm, tell them you will do those 'extra' things for them when you feel respected. Raise up a standard for respect in your life, home and heart. But if you want more of it, then you must give more of it. This applies to all relationships including parent/child. Every human being wants to feel respected and valued. Don't ask others to give you something that you are not willing to give to them. That is hypocrisy and people can smell a hypocrite from a mile away. It starts with YOU. It starts with ME. We can break the cycle today!

Is this easy? No. Will it change overnight? No. But is change really possible? Yes. Will it be worth every struggling effort? Yes. Will looking in the mirror become a lot less tormenting? Yes. And the best news? Modeling is still the most powerful way to influence others. What you model to your loved ones screams louder than the MOST ANGRY LECTURE. Model respect. Model self-control. More is caught than taught. Your kids will do as you do, not as you say.

If this seems IMPOSSIBLE to you, then you are in good company. I was the most angry person you can imagine. I spent every waking moment mad about something or at someone. I have not arrived, I am still a work in progress, but through faith and hard work, I am not an angry person anymore. I get angry, sure. But the two are worlds apart. 

I want you to succeed in this. I want your home to be a happier, more loving home. And I believe it can be. I will gladly point you to the resources that helped me most, if you'd like. But start somewhere. Break the cycle in your heart and home. Start with your faith, and add to it some hard work. You are worth it. Your family is worth it.

  

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For more information about overcoming anger and raising the standard for respect, contact me today at kimberly@kjkenterprises.com, or visit the official Love and Logic Website at loveandlogic.com.