5 Things You'll Need To Get Where You Want To Be

Becoming the person you want to be, and were made to be, is a journey. You need four good tires and a lot of fuel for a long journey (among other things). Watch here to find out what those tires are, and what the fuel is that will keep them spinning.

Don't have some or all of these? Seek them and find them like your life depends on it... because it just might. At the very least, the life you really want to be living depends on it!

5 Things You'll Need To Get Where You Want To Be (Review):

1. A Teachable Heart

2. Knowledge

3. Practical Skills

4. Support

5. Faith

Now, let's get on the road and take this journey together!

Love Does the Hard Thing

"Anything that's worth having, is worth working for." Don't you just hate that saying? Okay, hate is a strong word. Don't you just dislike that saying? It really goes against the grain of our human nature. Even if we strongly agree with it! Which I do. Why is everything so hard? Why can't it just come easy for a change? I guess I might just be a little tired right now from working so hard for things that are worth having. And by things, I don't mean stuff. I mean people. I mean relationships.

Alright, I'm through whining now, (and the rest of this blog entry will mainly be written to myself). Yes, people are worth it. Yes, relationships are worth the blood (depending on whose it was ;-), sweat and tears. But why? Well, sometimes that answer escapes us. The real answer, that is. Of course, there are all of the appropriate answers.. like.. "Because people are important, and so are their feelings." Yes, true. But when those important people with all those tender feelings are the very people who are making mince meat of yours, then what? Then what is your motivation? Hmmm. "Love. Love is the answer. We do it for love!" Okay. That sounds great. But I have a question for you: Are you working hard for the sake of giving love, or for the sake of GETTING it?" Ouch. (I hate it when I ask myself those questions!)

People do and say A LOT of things for the sake of love. God knows I have. But being honest, for the better portion of my life, I endured and struggled and did some hard things in relationships and it was so that I could get love, not necessarily give it. And typically no one involved was better for it. Shouldn't love, pure love, righteous love, make things better? Well, in Hollywood, any kind of love makes things better! (In fact, it sells any kind of movie, too! Oh! And makes you able to kill, like, 8 armed men with your bare hands and various other feats that used to only be believable in Marvel Comic Books, but I digress.) Really, think about this. If 'love is all we need' and 'love conquers all', then why do so many 'loving' relationships deteriorate or even implode? Why are people worse and not better after loving and being loved? And I'm not just referring to romantic relationships. This is a universal question and I believe, there's a universal answer.

It all comes down to what love is, what love does and what love really looks like. Tough to explain without a lot of cliches but I will try. I will start with what love isn't. In my humble opinion, love isn't giving people what they want so that they will be happy with you and like you more. Love isn't rescuing people from pain so that they don't have to suffer or so that they will become dependent on you. Love isn't saving someone from the natural consequences of their poor choices in order to 'protect' their reputation (or is it yours? I'm confused.) Love isn't 'putting up with' someone, no matter how unbecoming their behavior,  because, "Ya know, I love 'em". (Tolerance actually communicates approval and reinforces what it is tolerating).  Love does not defend and protect because "My ___________ would NEVER do that!!!" (There's a word for that. It's denial.) Love isn't acting like something doesn't really bother you when it really does, but you're afraid if you say that out loud, there might be conflict. (Conflict is bad because it leads to disapproval and disapproval leads to separation and separation is bad because it leads to loneliness so, no, definitely don't say anything.) Yeah, that's not love either, but we all do that. Love is not: I just want them to have everything they want and not have to struggle for it. (If the Heavenly Father thinks struggle is good enough for His kids, why isn't it good enough for yours?)  Love isn't nicer to the neighbors than it is to its own family. Love is not spending every waking moment with one person to the point where they don't even have time for their own family/friends anymore. Love doesn't do that. Love doesn't do any of these things. Selfishness does. Selfishness disguised as love.

I can hear the outcry now... "WHAT! Are you calling me selfish?? Do you have any idea how much I LOVE __________??" Yes and no. Yes I'm calling you selfish. I'm calling myself selfish, too. I am guilty of all of the above and worse in the name of love. And no, I really couldn't possibly have a real idea of how much you love anybody. But I don't doubt that you do. I am simply saying, that we can't do whatever feels good for us in a relationship, or produces the return we are after, and slap a label on it called 'LOVE'.

Love (when it comes to loving people) is actually a pretty concrete thing. Its an action, or a series of actions. And in order to be classified as actual love, real love, God's love, its motive is ALWAYS what is best for its subject. In other words, love is NEVER self-serving. Love always discerns what is best (in the long run, not just immediately) for the person it's loving. Regardless of personal cost. It may cost fun. It may cost loneliness. It may cost persecution. It may cost rejection. It may cost money. It may cost the relationship itself! But it is always a worthwhile investment because it is an investment in people. And an investment in love, always produces multiplied returns. (Remember that whole reaping and sowing thing? Well it applies to loving just like anything else. "Whatever a man sows, so shall he reap...")  Paul described love the best in 1 Corinthians 13. I could never say it as well as he did, but I have found some ways to say it that help me remember what love looks like in a tough situation, or in a tough relationship. Love allows people to fail and believes they will rise in spite of their failures (And who knows? Maybe even BECAUSE of them!)  Love knows that struggle produces character in kids of all ages: 9 months-99!  Love holds people accountable, so they can take responsibility for their actions. Love knows that this is the recipe for maturity and growth. Love also knows that some have a particular aversion to maturity and growth, and love can accept that. Because love gives the freedom to choose. (If you're not sure about that, read the Old Testament.)  Love does not reject people, although it may have to reject their choices or lifestyle. Love says "Yes" as often as it can, and "No" only when it must.  Love respects. Loving is treating others the way you want to be treated. Even when you're not getting that treatment. Especially when you're not. That's REAL love. Love sometimes has to say, "You are killing yourself slowly, and I won't help you do it." How could love possibly consciously help inflict harm on its subject? It couldn't. (Don't mistake natural consequences for poor choices as 'harm'. Harm is self sabotaging behavior.) Love says, "You are free to choose that for yourself, but that will not work for me."

If your motive, and mine, is NOT selfish, then our love should help make those that we love, better. (Should they choose to partner with that love and do their own 'hard things'.) In essence, our love should be like a door, flung wide open, which leads to a staircase that will take those that we love higher. Unfortunately, they may not choose to take it. But it never chooses for them. Love lets others choose for themselves. No matter the cost. Look at what Jesus did. He flung open the biggest door that ever existed, paid the highest, most precious price ever paid, and yet lets us choose to accept His offer, or to spit in his face. We will never have to suffer as He did, but suffer we will. Choose your poison: pain from a life of selfish 'love', or the pain of loving someone well, loving them higher. Either way there is pain. One produces no fruit, the other, a bounty of good, the least of which is in your own heart! Not to mention what it does for the one you're loving. Yes. Yes. It is worth it. I choose love, because people are worth it. Jesus is worth it. And He did the hardest thing of all.

It's a Good Year to be Free

Do you feel free? I mean on the inside of you? Here's how you can tell: When people (kids, spouses, in laws, co-workers) do hurtful or dumb things to you or around you, you respond.... NOT REACT. You maintain your personal sense of peace even in the midst of said stupidity, hurtfulness, etc. You easily separate your problems from theirs and let yours be yours and theirs be theirs. You are slow to anger and judgement and quick to forgive. When you do fail or fall, you are quick to right your wrongs and don't waste a minute beating yourself up over it. After all, that's what enemies are for. Why help them out? You believe what God says about you to be the truest thing about you. Not what others say. Definitely not what you say! 

That's what freedom looks and feels like. At least to me. That is the freedom I have been and will continue to fight for. In myself. In the ones I love. IN YOU. 

It is a new year. I have strengthened my resolve. I have enlarged my vision. I have increased my faith. I have broadened my horizons..... to see more people... like me (and including me)... who lived or are living in a cell of their own making... while blaming others.... experiencing freedom.

Where to start? I'm going to be honest and NOT candy-coat it. It starts with that guy or girl staring back at you in the mirror when you are brushing your teeth. Look him/her in the eye raise the standard! Make a decision to whiten more than your teeth! Take personal responsibility for your lot in life. The good, the bad and the ugly. Yes, we've all been 'done dirty' by someone(s). But don't use that as an excuse anymore! The buck stops with you. With me. Make a decision to make decisions that allow you to look in that mirror with a clean conscience. Not powerless regret. The person with the most control over my life is ME. Unless I'm giving it away. Who are you giving all that control over your peace and joy to? How is that working for you so far? Take it back. Make it your own again. Commit to being teachable and learn every single day how to be a better you, the best you, eventually. The you that God sees. And allow your faith in God to empower you to succeed, not be an excuse or free pass for your failure. Commit to adding some new, much more effective skills to your relational resumé.

Are you up for it? Tired of the pain that leads to more pain? How about a little pain that actually brings gain? In fact, it pays dividends! It's the journey I am on and will be on until I take my last breath. Will you join me?

Merry Christmas From Our Blended Family

Blending two families into one isn't easy. But it is worth all of the hard work it takes to call all of these amazing people.... FAMILY.

A wise step-dad recently said to me, "When step parenting gets tough, I remind myself that Joseph was a step-father to Jesus." Wow. We think we have it hard... try step-parenting the Son of God.

It's just a little perspective. Step-dads and moms: this one is for YOU. Choosing to co-parent your spouse's children is a difficult but noble thing. Not a lot of people choose to do it at all, much less with love and dedication. And it's a largely thankless job. Sometimes you don't even get thanks from your spouse, much less the kids! But I want you to know that no matter what the situation, it is a privilege to impact and influence the life of a child. So don't grow weary in well-doing. And remember, a lot of the issues they may have with you, they would probably have with anyone in your shoes. Try not to take it personal. Try a gentler approach with them and if you're a hot-head, take a Love and Logic Course. You have no idea how your life can affect the lives of the children that you love (for the good and the bad). It's worth every effort on our part to build up the kids God gave us, no matter how they came to us.

On behalf of the kids you are voluntarily loving, providing for, taking care of... I thank you. Good for you. Keep it up. Those seeds ALWAYS yield a harvest.

And if your spouse is step-parenting your kids, this is the perfect time of year to express your gratitude.

Merry Christmas to your Beautiful Families, Blended or Not.

Love is a Tricky Thing

Love is not easy... We can love someone with all of our hearts and they can be feeling like the complete opposite is true.  We might hear something like, "You don't even love me!" I know this one well. I am a mom who has dedicated my life to loving and raising my children, even educating them myself for twelve years. Yet, there was a long period of time that they did not feel loved by me. When I learned that my love was getting lost in translation... I GOT SOME HELP AND MADE SOME CHANGES! Somehow, all of the energy I spent caring for and worrying about them did not make them feel loved. In fact, because I was afraid for them and angry at others in my life most of the time, they hardly felt like I even liked them. Well, I am still working on it today. I am not where I need to be, but THANK GOD I'm not where I used to be. Now, it is more important to me that my kids feel loved and accepted, no matter what, than if I have the perfect parenting skills. And with the understanding that LOVE does not equal ENABLING, I have come to love my kids better than I used to. And that is all its really about.... getting better and better at this LOVE thing. :-)   Watch this video and love better, too.

Here are a few 'languages' parents speak that kids DO NOT:

• Kids do not translate our fear for how they are going to turn out as love.
• Kids do not translate our anger with them as concern.
• Kids do not translate a 60 hour work week as love.
• Kids do not translate cooking, cleaning, laundry, bill-paying, rides to school, money for the movies, etc. etc. as love or sacrifice. (Don't you wish they did?!)

If you have a feeling your love might be getting lost in translation, consider a few ideas:

• Make eye contact with them when you talk. Get down on their level. Be affectionate.
• Greet them with a special greeting every time you say Hello, Goodbye, Good Morning and Good Night. Be affectionate.
• Join them in an activity that THEY love. 
• Do something thoughtful for them, like a chore, or a favor, without being asked.
• Kids spell love: T-I-M-E. Spend some on them. Just the two of you. 
• Learn some new techniques to use empathy instead of anger when giving consequences so that their bad decision can be the bad guy and you can be the good guy.
• Take a Love and Logic® Class and sharpen your skills and then tell them you are working hard to be a better parent. (Be real with them. They need to know that we don't think we're perfect.)
• Tell them what you see in their heart...not what they have achieved that makes you proud. "You are so generous, You are so kind, You work so hard!" Etc.
•  Above all, Model LOVE and RESPECT. Kids do what we do, NOT what we SAY. Do you want your kids to be loving and respectful? Then treat them that way. Before you know it, everyone in your home will be feeling more loved!

I bet you have some great ideas, too. Try one. See if you can start speaking the same language more often. 

PS. This applies to spouses, too. :-)

There's A Better Way...You Can Count On It

A while back, I took some of my girls to Walmart. We were in the hair/makeup section (me, in hair and makeup? I know.)  As we rounded the corner from one aisle to another, we almost hit head on with a couple of little boys having a blast, seemingly, all by themselves. There were two of them and they were probably five and six years old. They had discovered that the soles of their shoes were more like ice skates on the Walmart tiles and they were loving it. My first thought was, 'I wonder where Mom is?' I figured she couldn't be far. Stumbling across a scene like this, it would be easy to judge but I try hard to steer clear of that... God knows that many times you could have taken this same scene and just inserted me and any two of my Lovely Dozen. I figured that mom wasn't far, like I would've been. My first guess was that she was probably lost in the Bermuda Triangle of comparison shopping. I've been guilty of that. We walked past another aisle, navigating around the two little energizer bunnies and just as we passed by, I heard her. It was definitely Mom, and she was definitely lost in the afore mentioned triangle. In the time it took us to pass her by, she said this: "Kids... Come here............." And then, while still staring at the shelves in front of her, she added... "One........ Two.........."  As her voice trailed off, I swerved to avoid the two wide-eyed, giggling, VERY oblivious little figure skaters. She stopped short of "Three" as she pulled another bottle of whatever off the shelf. At that point, with my sarcasm in tow, I thought, 'How's that counting thing workin' for ya?'  And my daughter Ella and I went on our way. As we walked, I was mentally reviewing the reasons why counting is ineffective and actually teaches our kids the opposite of what we want them to know. (Like waiting for a count-down to listen instead of doing what we ask the first time.) Now, Ella was only two weeks short of her 10th birthday at this time, and she's a smart one. But little did I know, she was thinking about the counting incident, too. And was I surprised by her observation!

"Mom?"

"Yes, Ella?"

"Isn't it sad that some parents actually think that counting works?" 

"Um... Yes, Ella. It is...."

Wow. She had her empathy locked in. She felt bad for the parents who touted counting as their best skill. Then, she asked me a thinking question instead of giving a lecture. There was no sarcasm, no criticism. Just wisdom. 

Moral of the story: When I grow up, I want to be just like Ella.

The Cycle of Anger

Does this look familiar? Someone does something you don't want them to do... So you get mad. You react in your anger.... ready, aim, fire! Their reaction? They get mad right back. They take aim.... and fire. Now... you're even MORE mad! This can go on and on... in one day, or even in one hour. Until you calm down.  Then you feel so guilty that you try to do something nice or make up for your outburst in some way and things calm down for a while again. Until..... they go and do that thing that makes you SO mad AGAIN!

I received a friend request on Facebook once from a somewhat questionable source. I had never met or even heard of this person. Before I hit ignore, which would be my usual practice in cases like this, curiosity got the best of me. I began to read about this person and man, I'm glad I did. First of all, it provided me with hours of entertainment. (Even now, as I type this, I'm chuckling at the memory). Secondly, its great material for this blog! The 'About' section read something like this:

I don't need anger management, I just need people to stop pissing me off!!!!!!! 'Like' if you love Jesus! 

Wow! Where do I begin??? I'll just give it to you in bullet points: 

• Yep. Ignore is the right button for me.
• People are not your problem.... your temper is your problem!
• Don't even get me started on following that ridiculousness up with loving Jesus.....
• FYI as long as you're breathing oxygen, other oxygen breathers are going to say and do things that are at the very least, annoying. And worse: downright hateful. You might want to have a better plan to deal with it than trying to control others....

Controlling others... isn't that what anger is all about? We are mad because they are not doing what WE want them to do. We get mad to teach them to do what we want them to do. I know this because I've lived this. I'm here to tell you... its like a fire. It only grows and spreads.

There is an alternative. What if we take all the energy we are putting into trying to control other people's choices, and spend it on making better choices for ourselves? Let's learn to choose things that make it easier to look in the mirror everyday at the person looking back at us. We can start with three really good ones. They are called the 3 A's:

1. Acknowledge

2. Accept

3. Action

Okay, lets apply the 3 A's to all of those people who are pissing you off. 1. Acknowledge that the actions of others are frustrating, hurtful, etc. 2. Accept that YOU CANNOT CONTROL THE ACTIONS OF OTHERS! (And you were never meant to-not even your kids-God gave His kids free will. If it's good enough for His kids, isn't it good enough for yours? Btw, that is also why there are consequences.) 3. Take Action by doing something that you CAN do something about: YOURSELF. You have the MOST control and the MOST influence over YOU. Make a choice for you. Will you keep YOUR SIDE of the street clean? Start by replacing the cycle of anger with a new cycle - OF RESPECT. Decide to stop reading your lines from the script for the Angry Play. Excuse yourself when that outburst is on the tip of your tongue and the fire in your chest is kindled. Maybe even excuse yourself before that. Tell the ones you love... I love you too much to keep doing this. And love yourself enough to stop listening to the hateful words being thrown at you like flaming darts. Love others enough to set some limits and enforce them. If its your child, with an, "I hate you! You don't love me at all!" Say, "Nice try. I will talk to you more about this when we are both calm."  Then, remove them and/or yourself. Model TIME-OUTS. Let's go to our room to calm down. Isn't that what we want them to do? Then later, when you are calm, tell them you will do those 'extra' things for them when you feel respected. Raise up a standard for respect in your life, home and heart. But if you want more of it, then you must give more of it. This applies to all relationships including parent/child. Every human being wants to feel respected and valued. Don't ask others to give you something that you are not willing to give to them. That is hypocrisy and people can smell a hypocrite from a mile away. It starts with YOU. It starts with ME. We can break the cycle today!

Is this easy? No. Will it change overnight? No. But is change really possible? Yes. Will it be worth every struggling effort? Yes. Will looking in the mirror become a lot less tormenting? Yes. And the best news? Modeling is still the most powerful way to influence others. What you model to your loved ones screams louder than the MOST ANGRY LECTURE. Model respect. Model self-control. More is caught than taught. Your kids will do as you do, not as you say.

If this seems IMPOSSIBLE to you, then you are in good company. I was the most angry person you can imagine. I spent every waking moment mad about something or at someone. I have not arrived, I am still a work in progress, but through faith and hard work, I am not an angry person anymore. I get angry, sure. But the two are worlds apart. 

I want you to succeed in this. I want your home to be a happier, more loving home. And I believe it can be. I will gladly point you to the resources that helped me most, if you'd like. But start somewhere. Break the cycle in your heart and home. Start with your faith, and add to it some hard work. You are worth it. Your family is worth it.

  

 Do you love an Angry kid?

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For more information about overcoming anger and raising the standard for respect, contact me today at kimberly@kjkenterprises.com, or visit the official Love and Logic Website at loveandlogic.com.