A Tough Boundary Question

A Tough Boundary Question

Do you need to draw a line in the sand?

I received a question from a client who is working hard to set boundaries with her husband. She loves him and wants her marriage to work, but he will not take personal responsibility for his anger and how it is affecting her and their two children (long term, chronic problem). So she moved herself and her two kids out of the house and in with her parents (he refused to move out) and put the ball in her hubby's court by asking him to get help so that their family can be together in a healthy way. Her question to me was:

"The question or advice I am in need of is weighing heavy on me, when is it okay for me and the kids to move back home? I know I would love to go and be back in my own home but I don't want to rush this, I know I want to wait until he goes and actually meets someone [therapist]. Then I have doubts because last time he went to the church group he went for only a month and quit and said he didn't need help...I know I don't want to put a timeline on it, but I am just not sure."

Here is my response:

You are wise to forgo a timeline or deadline date.

We would say to kids who have failed to be responsible for their actions, "I will take a chance on you, trust you, allow you to do blank, when I don't have to worry about blank causing a problem anymore."

The same goes for adults who cross our boundaries and refuse to take personal responsibility for it. It is a gift to them to give them a chance to completely solve the problem they have created. (And sad when they choose not to.)

You will know when you are not worried or concerned or when you feel safe and ready to try again at home. You will no longer feel the fears and apprehension you feel now because something is happening to address, solve and change the problem. Ownership has been taken and ENOUGH TIME has passed to indicate the efforts to solve the ongoing long term problem aren't just manipulative in nature.

In the meantime, it is GREAT to express to our loved ones that THIS is the criteria for which we will try again (i.e., "I will come back home when I no longer have to worry about this problem.") Some people only take ownership of the problems THEY CREATE when the know that you WILL NOT. In the mean time, You can take total ownership of 1. Your part in the problem and 2. What you are willing or not willing to do because of their part of the problem. (And GOOD FOR YOU FOR THAT!!)

Make sense?

Boundaries with people we love are hard but necessary. We implement and enforce our boundaries to raise the standard of love and respect for both parties involved... not just for ourselves. By raising the bar for the one we love, we are telling them that they are capable of so much more. And they are. We all are. Our love should grow others, not keep them small, weak or crippled.


By the way, there are TWO elements to boundaries that must be implemented in order for them to be effective.

1. Setting the boundary.......We do this with WORDS (Easy part)

2. Enforcing the boundary........We do this with ACTIONS (Hard part...I won't lie!)

My anonymous client who I quoted above (with her permission) did both of these very well. How about you?

10 Ways to Start Fresh in 2014

1. Unsubscribe to emails you NEVER read (except for mine). It only takes a few seconds and it will save you hours of time that would add up cleaning out your inbox everyday. You can always find that information again... that's what Google is for.

2. Donate every kitchen utensil or personal care product you did not use in 2013. Be Free! Why store useless items in the sanctuary that is your home? Get rid of a little bit every week so that you are always purging.

3. Donate every piece of clothing you did not wear in 2014. Don't believe the lie that you will wear it again, "someday." Someday is not a day of the week. Let it be a blessing to someone else!

4. Pitch every pair of scruffy shoes and piece of ratty clothing you own no matter how much you love them. You will find love again. I promise. In the meantime, good things tend to come to those who don't hold on to the last shred of the past.

5. Choose one personal health goal to begin working on in 2014. Just one to start. Then tell one friend who is not afraid to call you on your crap to hold you to it. Write it down as if it already happened and put it somewhere you will see it everyday. Then say it out loud each day. (i.e., I have cut out 75% of my sugar intake. It's showing on my waistline and I am feeling fabulous!  Or...I run 20 miles per week and I feel empowered!)

6. Choose one professional or business goal to begin working on in 2014. Follow instructions from number 5. See yourself as if you've already accomplished it.... and you will. As a man thinks in his heart, so is he. (Proverbs 23:7)

7. Say goodbye to draining people. Friendships that bring more negative than positive to your life are like a checkbook that's overdrawn all the time. No matter how much you deposit, you never get ahead. Not  worth the energy. No hard feelings necessary - just wise "budgeting" of the love and care you spend out of your great big heart.

8. Set new, firm, loving limits in old problematic relationships. (This mostly applies to people you are related to and aren't able to budget out of your life.) Try saying NO where you previously said YES but knew you shouldn't... such as: I will spend time with you again when it is fun for me, too. I will continue this talk when we are both calm. I will do those extra things for you when I feel respected. I will work as hard on your problems as you are willing to work on them. And so on.

9. Let yourself off the hook! Forgive yourself for.... being human. You can't possibly get it all right every time, your DNA won't let you. Accept failure as part of the journey to success but never accept defeat. (All successful people have a string of failures behind them, but not all people who fail become successful.) If you have not given up, regardless of setbacks, rejection or failure, then you need to give yourself some serious credit! If you have given up, decide to get up and go again! 

10. Have a talk with God. Only He can truly clean your slate and make all things new. Only He can unload your fears, your guilty conscience and those heavy burdens. Only He can give you the power to love like you want to love and the gift of being loved the way you long to be loved. And guess what? He wants you to start 2014 with HOPE. I promise. Just Ask Him!

Happy New You!

Tips for Saying No

I encounter more and more people everyday, who have a really hard time saying No in certain situations.

In fact, this is such a common theme these days, that I thought I'd send out a couple of tips for you to consider when you have to decide between Yes or No when faced with a request. You may just need some assertive communication tools and I would love to offer you some to try.

Tip #1... BEFORE you answer Yes or No to a request, ask yourself these two key questions:

1. Am I willing?

For example: You are asked to volunteer to coordinate an event or coach a team. Your initial reaction is to feel obligated - but don't answer yet! Feeling obligated does not mean this is the best decision for you! Ask yourself if you really want to do this..... If the answer is Yes, I actually want to do this.... still.... DON'T ANSWER YET, because there is one more question to ask.

2. Am I able?

You may really want to, but flat out cannot. What would be some good reasons you cannot say Yes, even though you'd like to? Well, I would compel you to consider whether you have the...

a. Time
b. Energy or
c. Money (if necessary for the endeavor).

These are three of your most valuable and limited resources. We all only get 24 hours in a day. We all have to go to sleep at night for a new supply of energy for tomorrow and I don't know about you, but my bank account is still limited. So, are you spending these resources carefully and wisely, or are you totally overextended in one or more of these areas?


Tip #2...Answer the request based on your honest reply to the two questions without offering a lengthy explanation.

Your answer to the original request for help might sound something like this:

"I would love to help with this, I really would! However, my plate is just full enough right now and I just can't fit in one more thing. Please don't hesitate to ask me again next year though!

-OR-

"That sounds really fun! Unfortunately I am already committed to something during that time. But I have an idea of some other great candidates for you!"

Saying No without a detailed explanation is key because offering your 'reasons' for saying No only invites the listener to weigh them up and decide whether to approve or disapprove. (Whether their approval/disapproval is stated or goes unstated, this is human nature's internal response to hearing anyone plead their case.) BOTTOM LINE: YOU ARE NOT ASKING FOR APPROVAL. You are spending your resources carefully and wisely so you can be the best you can be in the areas of your life that matter most to you. Furthermore, explaining invites judgment and we've all had enough of that. You are simply responding to a request. Leave it that simple.

Tip #3... Here's what to do if you choke:

You are so flustered trying to remember what to ask yourself and also feeling the pressure of obligation in the moment so naturally your instinct would be to make a snap decision to put an end the this flood of emotions inside of you. PLEASE DON'T MAKE A SNAP DECISION. Simply say something like:

"Oh, sounds interesting.. Can I give it some thought and get back to you?"

-OR-

"I will consider it and get back to you. When do you need my final answer by?"

You just bought plenty of time to ask yourself the two questions: "Am I willing? And if so, am I able?" You can get back to them once you have prepared your reply. (If you have a really hard time with this, I recommend rehearsing several times.)

Well, these are some really powerful, really helpful skills to keep you from being a YES man or woman and totally overextending yourself. These two questions changed my life. I never knew I had a right to not want to do something. Or the right to not have the resources to do something even if I wanted to do it. I guess I needed permission to say No, or to say, I want to, but can't. And that's why I'm giving it to you, today (just in case you need it, too.)


Now.... the million dollar question is.......

Can you do this WITHOUT GUILT???

How to Build a Team... by My Kids

I've been immersed in Leadership Training lately. Books, Cd's, articles, etc. I am inspired. And leaders aren't satisfied just to be inspired themselves, they must inspire others. Especially their own teams! So I get this idea to go out for dinner with the family and call it our "Monthly Team Building Dinner." I was so excited. I just knew that this was the start of a spark which could be fanned into a flame. I am, after all, a perpetual visionary. (But my visions don't always play out in reality like they do in my head... go figure. But, I digress.) 

So here we are, Scott and I and a bunch of kids, 14 and under, munching our Mexican food as I announce my agenda. Let's just say, no one did a cartwheel. A couple of kids said, 

"A what?" 

"A TEAM BUILDING DINNER." (Note to self: You don't actually have to announce what it is to accomplish its purpose.) I begin to talk to them about my feelings about the team and how I would love to hear what each one of them thinks of the team and what would make it even better.

"What team?"

"Yeah, Mom, what team?"

Deep breath.

"Our family, kids. I'm talking about the Krueger Family." (Big smile.)

"Oh." Munch munch.

Alright, I've worked with tougher crowds than this one, I reasoned. I can handle this. I just keep moving along with the same amount of excitement and energy partially wondering if this will go down in our family history as a total FAIL. (Even a FAIL in our family isn't a total fail if it provides laughter later! Because Tragedy + Time = Comedy in this house.) 

I begin to build up the team and tell them that I think we have some great things going on. We are a loving family, we work hard, we laugh, we play and so on. I speak of how we need each other... how everyone on a team is needed to make the team work. Then I begin to ask some questions. 

"So, Lucy, (names have been changed to protect the not so innocent) what are some things you think we could do different or better to be an even BETTER team? A better family?

Silence....................

"Lucy?"

....................

"Ah, Lucy.... did you hear me?"

Blank stare.

"Oh. Are you talking to me?"

"Ah, Yes."

"What did you say? I didn't hear you."

I'm trying to stay calm now, because Lucy had a 'silent attitude' going since we left the house. Not that I prefer the loud attitudes more, I don't. It's just that I'm pretty sure with how silent she was being, she could hear what the people out in the parking lot were saying.

"What are some things we could do different or better to be an even BETTER family?"

"I don't know........... Be nice to each other?"

"Okay, what do you guys think of that?"

"Mom, can I have a quarter?"

"No, not right now."

At this point, I thought of countless leaders who were highly motivated for progress, growth and success and like me, their enthusiasm was met with..... boredom.

 

But, I pressed on.

And am I glad I did.

Sometimes a little extra patience pays off.

My kiddos surprised me. And challenged me. Kids are, first of all, HONEST. If you need to take your leadership temperature, so to speak, ask your kids. Secondly, they are very insightful. Not a lot gets past them relationally. 

Here is a list of things that my "Team" came up with to make us a better family:

• be nicer to each other
• get along better
• don't fight with each other
• work together side by side
• everyone take care of their own stuff
• care for each other more
• love each other better
• spend more time together as a family
• trust each other

And this last one, my husband threw in. (It's his secret to staying sane with 11 step-children):

• keep a good sense of humor

Then I asked them this: "Kids, what makes a team really stick together?" They all agreed.....

"Love and Trust."

I found myself wanting to rise to the occasion....To love more, to demonstrate more trustworthiness.... To show that I care with actions, not just think about how much I care....To model the things that they said would make us better. 

Because I want to be better.

I want my family to be better.

Wait a minute. Now... 

Who's leading who?

Confessions of a Recovering Drill Sergeant

So..... I ran an experiment. I decided to put my Love and Logic skills on a shelf and be a good old fashioned drill sergeant again. On purpose. I did this because I was genuinely frustrated, but I really wondered if some shock and awe might just throw the kids off guard enough to get some results. I know from my old drill sergeant days that if this frustrated, angry, bossy mom is all they get, then it is totally ineffective. But I thought, it's been a while since they got that mom..... so lets give it a whirl. 

I started with some good old fashioned yelling. I threw in some threats of impending doom and topped it off with dripping sarcasm. And being totally truthful..... it felt good! In the moment, it felt great. No more having to work so hard to use my skills! Stay calm? Nahhhh. Remember my one-liners, etc. Uh-ah. No empathy from this Drill Sergeant, Mom!  Man, I was sick of this crap! Enough was enough already! This will teach 'em! And the kids could see that Mom was NOT HAPPY. The problems I was most sick of were mostly with one particular strong-willed 12 year old. He was the one I was really hoping to 'send a message' to. As the evening unfolded, I noticed that everyone.... that is everyone EXCEPT FOR the 12 year old.... were falling in line and saluting like little soldiers. I even got a note from Ava (my 7 year old) saying how bad she felt for me because the kids were making me so "tyird" and "frustratid" (tired and frustrated).

I know. Heart wrenching. I'll get to the note in a minute. So I've got a troop of little soldiers and one who's gone AWOL. Well, not really, but in terms of joining the others to salute, definitely AWOL. What became quickly and painfully obvious to me was that the more frustrated I became, the more challenging he became. A power struggle ensued over anything and everything that this kids could think up until beyond his bedtime. It ended with him leaving his bedroom door open after they all went to bed, so that the dog would keep going in his room. He would then chase him out of the room, down the stairs with all of the noise and drama you can imagine claiming that he just "can't get Lincoln to stay out of his room!" (Because closing the door just wouldn't get his mom's goat like chasing the dog around the house and yelling and pounding after everyone's bedtime so that wasn't an option.) After 3 or so rounds of this, I calmly went up stairs and closed his bedroom door. Within 30 seconds, I heard him open the door. Is your blood pressure going up just reading this? I know. At this point I faced the facts: MISSION FAILED. ABORT. ABORT. ABORT.

I calmly put Lincoln in his kennel. Left the door and the child alone and put myself in a time-out. I needed to decompress and reflect on this later. No sense in staying worked up. Everyone was in bed now, the house was quiet (or so I hoped). A couple of hours later, as I was getting ready to go to bed and  I had this feeling - familiar, but unwelcome. I felt........ bad. I felt like a bad mom. I remembered my yelling. Even though it was a "controlled outburst" it was an outburst, nonetheless. I just didn't feel proud of that. I knew I had gotten in the ring. And worse - I got in the ring first and invited tham all in! I felt... icky. Guilty. Then I took a couple of minutes to read the note that Ava had given me several hours earlier.......... yikes. My heart just sank. The one I was attempting to teach was further away from learning and the littlest of them all got caught in the crossfire. More confirmation that my experiment had failed. And isn't that like combat? It's always the innocent that suffer most.

But here's what's great about experiments: Even failed ones can be a benefit to you.... IF YOU LEARN FROM THEM. So I quickly pushed aside the temptation to wallow in guilt, decided I would take my skills back off of the shelf and made a mental list of everything I learned from this experiment:

1. Anger and frustration REALLY DO FEED MISBEHAVIOR

2. L&L is spot on when they say, "NEVER TELL A STRONG WILLED KID WHAT TO DO. Instead, tell him what you are willing or not willing to do." As soon as I started telling him what's what.... it was GAME ON. And that's a game I am no longer interested in playing!

3. Making parental decisions out of anger, or any decisions for that matter, is a set up for failure. It is best to wait until you are calm, even if it takes a couple of days! When you are too mad, or you just plain don't know what to do, wait. Wait until your mind is clear. Wait until you can deliver the consequence or bad news to the child with EMPATHY. 

4. The more I yelled and argued with the kids, the more arguing and yelling went on in my house. All of the sudden it was time for everyone to tell everyone else everything on their minds....... It was one thing after another. What a can of worms I opened!

5. Making kids feel that they are responsible for your emotional state is not fair to them or healthy. I am in charge of how I feel and how I act based on those feelings. Ava's note was a painful reminder that kids are little sponges and they soak up everything you teach them, spoken and unspoken.

6. The most important and profound lesson I learned is that I use my skills to FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF! Not to control my children. I've ended many days having one or more strong willed kids who refused to 'learn' and went to bed while still trying to get me to engage and jump in the ring. But the difference was: When I used my skills, I went to bed feeling good about me and at peace on the inside. And that's the way I prefer to live.

I was also reminded that kids are quick to forgive when we are quick to apologize.  :-)  Thank God. 

So there you have it..... confessions from a recovering Drill Sergeant's failed but wonderfully confirming experiment.

Let The Pain Do Its Work

So, you've inventoried your relationships, and found that you were trying to help one or more unhelpable people. Maybe even a close family member, spouse or other loved one. Now what? You might be wondering, "Then how can I help them? I can't just do nothing!" I agree. Love is actually an action not a feeling. If our love is genuine, then it should be demonstrated with actions. Here is my follow up video to help you with the next step:

So.... loving means allowing the ones we love to feel the natural consequences of their choices. (So that the discomfort or pain can motivate them to reconsider those choices!) Rememeber: you can choose to do something about your pain even if no one else in your life does.

Please don't ignore those dashboard lights... I did that for too long. The pit was only deeper and darker when I finally decided to climb out. Maybe you've already been ignoring those pain signals for so long, you think, "Why bother?" If that's you, I say: Never Never Never give up! It's NEVER too late to choose life!

Remember this: You always have options. You may not like any of them, but you always have options. Choose to take care of YOU and others who really want to change will eventually follow.
 

Unhelpable People

If you're like me, then you want to help others. Have you found yourself working harder to help someone than they are willing to work to help themselves? I have. I have also been that person. In my newest Vlog, I will tell you about two kinds of people who cannot be helped. 

 

Two kinds of people that cannot be helped: (REVIEW)

1. People who refuse to admit that they have a problem.

2. People who believe that you, others or circumstances are the source of their problems.

You have so much to give. And your time, emotional energy and money are your most valuable resources. Spend them first on yourself, and then on people who can be helped! Remember this: Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% what we do with it! Realizing that you are trying to help the unhelpable? My next Vlog is for you!

5 Things You'll Need To Get Where You Want To Be

Becoming the person you want to be, and were made to be, is a journey. You need four good tires and a lot of fuel for a long journey (among other things). Watch here to find out what those tires are, and what the fuel is that will keep them spinning.

Don't have some or all of these? Seek them and find them like your life depends on it... because it just might. At the very least, the life you really want to be living depends on it!

5 Things You'll Need To Get Where You Want To Be (Review):

1. A Teachable Heart

2. Knowledge

3. Practical Skills

4. Support

5. Faith

Now, let's get on the road and take this journey together!

Love Does the Hard Thing

"Anything that's worth having, is worth working for." Don't you just hate that saying? Okay, hate is a strong word. Don't you just dislike that saying? It really goes against the grain of our human nature. Even if we strongly agree with it! Which I do. Why is everything so hard? Why can't it just come easy for a change? I guess I might just be a little tired right now from working so hard for things that are worth having. And by things, I don't mean stuff. I mean people. I mean relationships.

Alright, I'm through whining now, (and the rest of this blog entry will mainly be written to myself). Yes, people are worth it. Yes, relationships are worth the blood (depending on whose it was ;-), sweat and tears. But why? Well, sometimes that answer escapes us. The real answer, that is. Of course, there are all of the appropriate answers.. like.. "Because people are important, and so are their feelings." Yes, true. But when those important people with all those tender feelings are the very people who are making mince meat of yours, then what? Then what is your motivation? Hmmm. "Love. Love is the answer. We do it for love!" Okay. That sounds great. But I have a question for you: Are you working hard for the sake of giving love, or for the sake of GETTING it?" Ouch. (I hate it when I ask myself those questions!)

People do and say A LOT of things for the sake of love. God knows I have. But being honest, for the better portion of my life, I endured and struggled and did some hard things in relationships and it was so that I could get love, not necessarily give it. And typically no one involved was better for it. Shouldn't love, pure love, righteous love, make things better? Well, in Hollywood, any kind of love makes things better! (In fact, it sells any kind of movie, too! Oh! And makes you able to kill, like, 8 armed men with your bare hands and various other feats that used to only be believable in Marvel Comic Books, but I digress.) Really, think about this. If 'love is all we need' and 'love conquers all', then why do so many 'loving' relationships deteriorate or even implode? Why are people worse and not better after loving and being loved? And I'm not just referring to romantic relationships. This is a universal question and I believe, there's a universal answer.

It all comes down to what love is, what love does and what love really looks like. Tough to explain without a lot of cliches but I will try. I will start with what love isn't. In my humble opinion, love isn't giving people what they want so that they will be happy with you and like you more. Love isn't rescuing people from pain so that they don't have to suffer or so that they will become dependent on you. Love isn't saving someone from the natural consequences of their poor choices in order to 'protect' their reputation (or is it yours? I'm confused.) Love isn't 'putting up with' someone, no matter how unbecoming their behavior,  because, "Ya know, I love 'em". (Tolerance actually communicates approval and reinforces what it is tolerating).  Love does not defend and protect because "My ___________ would NEVER do that!!!" (There's a word for that. It's denial.) Love isn't acting like something doesn't really bother you when it really does, but you're afraid if you say that out loud, there might be conflict. (Conflict is bad because it leads to disapproval and disapproval leads to separation and separation is bad because it leads to loneliness so, no, definitely don't say anything.) Yeah, that's not love either, but we all do that. Love is not: I just want them to have everything they want and not have to struggle for it. (If the Heavenly Father thinks struggle is good enough for His kids, why isn't it good enough for yours?)  Love isn't nicer to the neighbors than it is to its own family. Love is not spending every waking moment with one person to the point where they don't even have time for their own family/friends anymore. Love doesn't do that. Love doesn't do any of these things. Selfishness does. Selfishness disguised as love.

I can hear the outcry now... "WHAT! Are you calling me selfish?? Do you have any idea how much I LOVE __________??" Yes and no. Yes I'm calling you selfish. I'm calling myself selfish, too. I am guilty of all of the above and worse in the name of love. And no, I really couldn't possibly have a real idea of how much you love anybody. But I don't doubt that you do. I am simply saying, that we can't do whatever feels good for us in a relationship, or produces the return we are after, and slap a label on it called 'LOVE'.

Love (when it comes to loving people) is actually a pretty concrete thing. Its an action, or a series of actions. And in order to be classified as actual love, real love, God's love, its motive is ALWAYS what is best for its subject. In other words, love is NEVER self-serving. Love always discerns what is best (in the long run, not just immediately) for the person it's loving. Regardless of personal cost. It may cost fun. It may cost loneliness. It may cost persecution. It may cost rejection. It may cost money. It may cost the relationship itself! But it is always a worthwhile investment because it is an investment in people. And an investment in love, always produces multiplied returns. (Remember that whole reaping and sowing thing? Well it applies to loving just like anything else. "Whatever a man sows, so shall he reap...")  Paul described love the best in 1 Corinthians 13. I could never say it as well as he did, but I have found some ways to say it that help me remember what love looks like in a tough situation, or in a tough relationship. Love allows people to fail and believes they will rise in spite of their failures (And who knows? Maybe even BECAUSE of them!)  Love knows that struggle produces character in kids of all ages: 9 months-99!  Love holds people accountable, so they can take responsibility for their actions. Love knows that this is the recipe for maturity and growth. Love also knows that some have a particular aversion to maturity and growth, and love can accept that. Because love gives the freedom to choose. (If you're not sure about that, read the Old Testament.)  Love does not reject people, although it may have to reject their choices or lifestyle. Love says "Yes" as often as it can, and "No" only when it must.  Love respects. Loving is treating others the way you want to be treated. Even when you're not getting that treatment. Especially when you're not. That's REAL love. Love sometimes has to say, "You are killing yourself slowly, and I won't help you do it." How could love possibly consciously help inflict harm on its subject? It couldn't. (Don't mistake natural consequences for poor choices as 'harm'. Harm is self sabotaging behavior.) Love says, "You are free to choose that for yourself, but that will not work for me."

If your motive, and mine, is NOT selfish, then our love should help make those that we love, better. (Should they choose to partner with that love and do their own 'hard things'.) In essence, our love should be like a door, flung wide open, which leads to a staircase that will take those that we love higher. Unfortunately, they may not choose to take it. But it never chooses for them. Love lets others choose for themselves. No matter the cost. Look at what Jesus did. He flung open the biggest door that ever existed, paid the highest, most precious price ever paid, and yet lets us choose to accept His offer, or to spit in his face. We will never have to suffer as He did, but suffer we will. Choose your poison: pain from a life of selfish 'love', or the pain of loving someone well, loving them higher. Either way there is pain. One produces no fruit, the other, a bounty of good, the least of which is in your own heart! Not to mention what it does for the one you're loving. Yes. Yes. It is worth it. I choose love, because people are worth it. Jesus is worth it. And He did the hardest thing of all.

It's a Good Year to be Free

Do you feel free? I mean on the inside of you? Here's how you can tell: When people (kids, spouses, in laws, co-workers) do hurtful or dumb things to you or around you, you respond.... NOT REACT. You maintain your personal sense of peace even in the midst of said stupidity, hurtfulness, etc. You easily separate your problems from theirs and let yours be yours and theirs be theirs. You are slow to anger and judgement and quick to forgive. When you do fail or fall, you are quick to right your wrongs and don't waste a minute beating yourself up over it. After all, that's what enemies are for. Why help them out? You believe what God says about you to be the truest thing about you. Not what others say. Definitely not what you say! 

That's what freedom looks and feels like. At least to me. That is the freedom I have been and will continue to fight for. In myself. In the ones I love. IN YOU. 

It is a new year. I have strengthened my resolve. I have enlarged my vision. I have increased my faith. I have broadened my horizons..... to see more people... like me (and including me)... who lived or are living in a cell of their own making... while blaming others.... experiencing freedom.

Where to start? I'm going to be honest and NOT candy-coat it. It starts with that guy or girl staring back at you in the mirror when you are brushing your teeth. Look him/her in the eye raise the standard! Make a decision to whiten more than your teeth! Take personal responsibility for your lot in life. The good, the bad and the ugly. Yes, we've all been 'done dirty' by someone(s). But don't use that as an excuse anymore! The buck stops with you. With me. Make a decision to make decisions that allow you to look in that mirror with a clean conscience. Not powerless regret. The person with the most control over my life is ME. Unless I'm giving it away. Who are you giving all that control over your peace and joy to? How is that working for you so far? Take it back. Make it your own again. Commit to being teachable and learn every single day how to be a better you, the best you, eventually. The you that God sees. And allow your faith in God to empower you to succeed, not be an excuse or free pass for your failure. Commit to adding some new, much more effective skills to your relational resumé.

Are you up for it? Tired of the pain that leads to more pain? How about a little pain that actually brings gain? In fact, it pays dividends! It's the journey I am on and will be on until I take my last breath. Will you join me?

Merry Christmas From Our Blended Family

Blending two families into one isn't easy. But it is worth all of the hard work it takes to call all of these amazing people.... FAMILY.

A wise step-dad recently said to me, "When step parenting gets tough, I remind myself that Joseph was a step-father to Jesus." Wow. We think we have it hard... try step-parenting the Son of God.

It's just a little perspective. Step-dads and moms: this one is for YOU. Choosing to co-parent your spouse's children is a difficult but noble thing. Not a lot of people choose to do it at all, much less with love and dedication. And it's a largely thankless job. Sometimes you don't even get thanks from your spouse, much less the kids! But I want you to know that no matter what the situation, it is a privilege to impact and influence the life of a child. So don't grow weary in well-doing. And remember, a lot of the issues they may have with you, they would probably have with anyone in your shoes. Try not to take it personal. Try a gentler approach with them and if you're a hot-head, take a Love and Logic Course. You have no idea how your life can affect the lives of the children that you love (for the good and the bad). It's worth every effort on our part to build up the kids God gave us, no matter how they came to us.

On behalf of the kids you are voluntarily loving, providing for, taking care of... I thank you. Good for you. Keep it up. Those seeds ALWAYS yield a harvest.

And if your spouse is step-parenting your kids, this is the perfect time of year to express your gratitude.

Merry Christmas to your Beautiful Families, Blended or Not.

Love is a Tricky Thing

Love is not easy... We can love someone with all of our hearts and they can be feeling like the complete opposite is true.  We might hear something like, "You don't even love me!" I know this one well. I am a mom who has dedicated my life to loving and raising my children, even educating them myself for twelve years. Yet, there was a long period of time that they did not feel loved by me. When I learned that my love was getting lost in translation... I GOT SOME HELP AND MADE SOME CHANGES! Somehow, all of the energy I spent caring for and worrying about them did not make them feel loved. In fact, because I was afraid for them and angry at others in my life most of the time, they hardly felt like I even liked them. Well, I am still working on it today. I am not where I need to be, but THANK GOD I'm not where I used to be. Now, it is more important to me that my kids feel loved and accepted, no matter what, than if I have the perfect parenting skills. And with the understanding that LOVE does not equal ENABLING, I have come to love my kids better than I used to. And that is all its really about.... getting better and better at this LOVE thing. :-)   Watch this video and love better, too.

Here are a few 'languages' parents speak that kids DO NOT:

• Kids do not translate our fear for how they are going to turn out as love.
• Kids do not translate our anger with them as concern.
• Kids do not translate a 60 hour work week as love.
• Kids do not translate cooking, cleaning, laundry, bill-paying, rides to school, money for the movies, etc. etc. as love or sacrifice. (Don't you wish they did?!)

If you have a feeling your love might be getting lost in translation, consider a few ideas:

• Make eye contact with them when you talk. Get down on their level. Be affectionate.
• Greet them with a special greeting every time you say Hello, Goodbye, Good Morning and Good Night. Be affectionate.
• Join them in an activity that THEY love. 
• Do something thoughtful for them, like a chore, or a favor, without being asked.
• Kids spell love: T-I-M-E. Spend some on them. Just the two of you. 
• Learn some new techniques to use empathy instead of anger when giving consequences so that their bad decision can be the bad guy and you can be the good guy.
• Take a Love and Logic® Class and sharpen your skills and then tell them you are working hard to be a better parent. (Be real with them. They need to know that we don't think we're perfect.)
• Tell them what you see in their heart...not what they have achieved that makes you proud. "You are so generous, You are so kind, You work so hard!" Etc.
•  Above all, Model LOVE and RESPECT. Kids do what we do, NOT what we SAY. Do you want your kids to be loving and respectful? Then treat them that way. Before you know it, everyone in your home will be feeling more loved!

I bet you have some great ideas, too. Try one. See if you can start speaking the same language more often. 

PS. This applies to spouses, too. :-)

There's A Better Way...You Can Count On It

A while back, I took some of my girls to Walmart. We were in the hair/makeup section (me, in hair and makeup? I know.)  As we rounded the corner from one aisle to another, we almost hit head on with a couple of little boys having a blast, seemingly, all by themselves. There were two of them and they were probably five and six years old. They had discovered that the soles of their shoes were more like ice skates on the Walmart tiles and they were loving it. My first thought was, 'I wonder where Mom is?' I figured she couldn't be far. Stumbling across a scene like this, it would be easy to judge but I try hard to steer clear of that... God knows that many times you could have taken this same scene and just inserted me and any two of my Lovely Dozen. I figured that mom wasn't far, like I would've been. My first guess was that she was probably lost in the Bermuda Triangle of comparison shopping. I've been guilty of that. We walked past another aisle, navigating around the two little energizer bunnies and just as we passed by, I heard her. It was definitely Mom, and she was definitely lost in the afore mentioned triangle. In the time it took us to pass her by, she said this: "Kids... Come here............." And then, while still staring at the shelves in front of her, she added... "One........ Two.........."  As her voice trailed off, I swerved to avoid the two wide-eyed, giggling, VERY oblivious little figure skaters. She stopped short of "Three" as she pulled another bottle of whatever off the shelf. At that point, with my sarcasm in tow, I thought, 'How's that counting thing workin' for ya?'  And my daughter Ella and I went on our way. As we walked, I was mentally reviewing the reasons why counting is ineffective and actually teaches our kids the opposite of what we want them to know. (Like waiting for a count-down to listen instead of doing what we ask the first time.) Now, Ella was only two weeks short of her 10th birthday at this time, and she's a smart one. But little did I know, she was thinking about the counting incident, too. And was I surprised by her observation!

"Mom?"

"Yes, Ella?"

"Isn't it sad that some parents actually think that counting works?" 

"Um... Yes, Ella. It is...."

Wow. She had her empathy locked in. She felt bad for the parents who touted counting as their best skill. Then, she asked me a thinking question instead of giving a lecture. There was no sarcasm, no criticism. Just wisdom. 

Moral of the story: When I grow up, I want to be just like Ella.

The Cycle of Anger

Does this look familiar? Someone does something you don't want them to do... So you get mad. You react in your anger.... ready, aim, fire! Their reaction? They get mad right back. They take aim.... and fire. Now... you're even MORE mad! This can go on and on... in one day, or even in one hour. Until you calm down.  Then you feel so guilty that you try to do something nice or make up for your outburst in some way and things calm down for a while again. Until..... they go and do that thing that makes you SO mad AGAIN!

I received a friend request on Facebook once from a somewhat questionable source. I had never met or even heard of this person. Before I hit ignore, which would be my usual practice in cases like this, curiosity got the best of me. I began to read about this person and man, I'm glad I did. First of all, it provided me with hours of entertainment. (Even now, as I type this, I'm chuckling at the memory). Secondly, its great material for this blog! The 'About' section read something like this:

I don't need anger management, I just need people to stop pissing me off!!!!!!! 'Like' if you love Jesus! 

Wow! Where do I begin??? I'll just give it to you in bullet points: 

• Yep. Ignore is the right button for me.
• People are not your problem.... your temper is your problem!
• Don't even get me started on following that ridiculousness up with loving Jesus.....
• FYI as long as you're breathing oxygen, other oxygen breathers are going to say and do things that are at the very least, annoying. And worse: downright hateful. You might want to have a better plan to deal with it than trying to control others....

Controlling others... isn't that what anger is all about? We are mad because they are not doing what WE want them to do. We get mad to teach them to do what we want them to do. I know this because I've lived this. I'm here to tell you... its like a fire. It only grows and spreads.

There is an alternative. What if we take all the energy we are putting into trying to control other people's choices, and spend it on making better choices for ourselves? Let's learn to choose things that make it easier to look in the mirror everyday at the person looking back at us. We can start with three really good ones. They are called the 3 A's:

1. Acknowledge

2. Accept

3. Action

Okay, lets apply the 3 A's to all of those people who are pissing you off. 1. Acknowledge that the actions of others are frustrating, hurtful, etc. 2. Accept that YOU CANNOT CONTROL THE ACTIONS OF OTHERS! (And you were never meant to-not even your kids-God gave His kids free will. If it's good enough for His kids, isn't it good enough for yours? Btw, that is also why there are consequences.) 3. Take Action by doing something that you CAN do something about: YOURSELF. You have the MOST control and the MOST influence over YOU. Make a choice for you. Will you keep YOUR SIDE of the street clean? Start by replacing the cycle of anger with a new cycle - OF RESPECT. Decide to stop reading your lines from the script for the Angry Play. Excuse yourself when that outburst is on the tip of your tongue and the fire in your chest is kindled. Maybe even excuse yourself before that. Tell the ones you love... I love you too much to keep doing this. And love yourself enough to stop listening to the hateful words being thrown at you like flaming darts. Love others enough to set some limits and enforce them. If its your child, with an, "I hate you! You don't love me at all!" Say, "Nice try. I will talk to you more about this when we are both calm."  Then, remove them and/or yourself. Model TIME-OUTS. Let's go to our room to calm down. Isn't that what we want them to do? Then later, when you are calm, tell them you will do those 'extra' things for them when you feel respected. Raise up a standard for respect in your life, home and heart. But if you want more of it, then you must give more of it. This applies to all relationships including parent/child. Every human being wants to feel respected and valued. Don't ask others to give you something that you are not willing to give to them. That is hypocrisy and people can smell a hypocrite from a mile away. It starts with YOU. It starts with ME. We can break the cycle today!

Is this easy? No. Will it change overnight? No. But is change really possible? Yes. Will it be worth every struggling effort? Yes. Will looking in the mirror become a lot less tormenting? Yes. And the best news? Modeling is still the most powerful way to influence others. What you model to your loved ones screams louder than the MOST ANGRY LECTURE. Model respect. Model self-control. More is caught than taught. Your kids will do as you do, not as you say.

If this seems IMPOSSIBLE to you, then you are in good company. I was the most angry person you can imagine. I spent every waking moment mad about something or at someone. I have not arrived, I am still a work in progress, but through faith and hard work, I am not an angry person anymore. I get angry, sure. But the two are worlds apart. 

I want you to succeed in this. I want your home to be a happier, more loving home. And I believe it can be. I will gladly point you to the resources that helped me most, if you'd like. But start somewhere. Break the cycle in your heart and home. Start with your faith, and add to it some hard work. You are worth it. Your family is worth it.

  

 Do you love an Angry kid?

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For more information about overcoming anger and raising the standard for respect, contact me today at kimberly@kjkenterprises.com, or visit the official Love and Logic Website at loveandlogic.com.

Can Kids Really Do Chores?

Sometimes when I talk to parents about the value of chores, the muscles in their faces seem to tense up and maybe even a wrinkle finds its way through their foreheads. This is usually due to and followed by an explanation of the ages of their children, the crazy school + extra-curricular schedule they are attempting to keep and various other reasons why chores are just kind of.... unrealistic for their family. Hmm. Are they unrealistic..... really? Or is the thought of making your kids do chores just intimidating? Maybe parents just flat out don't believe that a little kid is capable of actual productivity. Maybe mom or dad would rather just do it themselves than take the time and effort to teach it, expect it and then hold Jr. accountable for it. Are they just a hassle? Is it that we've picked our battles and chores is just NOT going to be one of them?  Maybe its a little of each.

Well, for fear of getting up on my soap box about kids and chores... I'm just going to.... well.... never mind. I'm getting up on my soap box right now:

KIDS NEED TO DO CHORES. Yes, I said NEED. Reasons why:

1. Chores teach kids they are needed in the family unit. (We do our part, mortgage, cooking, shopping, etc. Kids do their part... dishes, fold laundry, sweep, lawn, etc. We need each other.)

2. Chores teach responsibility. (If you can get it out, you can put it away.)

3. Chores teach work ethic. (The only cure for laziness is hard work.)

4. Chores teach priorities. (Work hard, play hard! In that order.)

5. Chores prepare kids for the 'Real World'. (Unless the children have a trust fund and a full staff, they will eventually have to wash a dish, pick up after themselves, and clean...something. And if they have an aversion to such activities? Good luck to their future spouses and employers.)

I could go on and on and on about how many kids have no idea how to survive as adults these days, because everything was done for them. Or about how more and more places are raising the employment age requirement because they don't want to babysit 14 or even 15 year olds anymore. I mean, have you been to McDonald's lately? Have you seen the deer-in-the-headlights look on that poor child's face when you place your order or he has to count your change? It's just sad. But at least those kids have jobs! What's even more sad are the number of kids who not only do not have to do chores at home, but they don't even have to get a job! "Good grades are their job," parents say. Okay, I get that. A good academic resume leads to a good college education which leads to a good career which leads to success. In theory. What if that is all there, ON PAPER, but as it turns out, he just doesn't have the grit to go and USE all of that?! In fact, what if he doesn't even have the grit to make it through college? "He just wasn't ready for the real world." (And it was college-not even a job and an apartment and bills!) I have heard so many sad stories like that.

Studies have shown us that it isn't good grades that best equip young people for the real world, it's household CHORES. It is a good old fashioned work ethic that kids today are lacking. Think about it in terms of your own life. Did you acquire your work ethic in school doing homework or from summer jobs/working around your house/paying your own way through college, etc? I'm not advocating replacing one with the other. I am challenging you to put chores on AT LEAST the same priority level as homework. And watch your kids amaze you.

Today, while I am working from home, I share my 'office space' with five stinkers, as I affectionately call them. We all had work to do today.  I started the day of with our homemade chore list and the kids got to work and so did I. At some point today I thought to myself: What better way to break through the barriers that are keeping parents from assigning chores than to show them what their little love bugs are capable of? So I decided to show you what MY love bugs did today, while I happily typed this, made phone calls and coached others to success.

Before you see our chore list for today, there's a few things you should know. Some of the chores were chosen by the kids and some were assigned. Some were suggested by very HELPFUL kids as I sat and made the list. I told the kids they had until dinner time to do the chores, but that I do not want to hear the TV until all the chores were done. I told them that I would go check up on their handy work when my work day was over, before I begin dinner. I also told them that during the making-phone-calls portion of my day, (right after they were done eating and cleaning up lunch) I needed absolute quiet, so they could be upstairs or outside. Another very important detail to note before seeing the chore list... their ages:

Maci: 13 years old
Isaac: 12 years old
Ella:    9 years old
Eli:      8 years old
Ava:    6 years old

MOST IMPORTANT DETAIL to note: I am NOT posting this to brag. There are many many families where the children do chores and kids work hard and parents are much more on top of things than me. Our family is still a work in progress but I love to share what IS working for us and see other families growing with us. I am posting this to EMPOWER. To shatter myths. To impact this culture. To take some of the wrinkle out of the foreheads of parents so that American kids can be amazing again, instead of cliche' or something even worse: a mockery.

In this day and age, there are fewer and fewer farm families. I barely even know people with vegetable gardens anymore. Our kids no longer have organic opportunities for some good physical work. Add to that all of the conveniences of modern technology and you've got a whole generation of kids that, without some DELIBERATE INTERVENTION, will not have the practice working hard that they will need to be successful in life.Okay, I'm done with my rant.

So here it is.... And as with any piece of paper left out in our house for more than an hour, there are already doodle marks on it. The small print at the top of page one is Maci saying, "Maci has 3 more chores." and Isaac saying, "No, Isaac has the same." Kids are so funny.

Now- to answer some common questions: "Did they really do all of that?" Well, I have not inspected as of yet, but as I type, two little secretaries are going around the house with the clipboard finding out why some of the boxes are not yet checked and doing some inspecting of their own. Kids that have chores done before dinner time, will be invited to my dinner table. The alternative: finish your chores while we enjoy mom's AMAZING dinner (leftovers) and make a PB&J when you're done. :-( So sad, but we support your decision to procrastinate.  :-)

Next question: "How well can a bunch of kids do all of that work?" Answer: Pretty darn well! Even better with practice! My question to you: Would you rather have a lot of work done almost as well as you would do it, or NOT DONE AT ALL? You can decide. (We love to give choices around here.)

OH! I can't believe I almost forgot the very best reason to give chores! Reason #6 .........  CHORES BUILD SELF ESTEEM. What? How? I know, it sounds far-reached. But stick with me. I will keep it short and sweet. High self-esteem comes from a feeling of accomplishment. Period. Not from people telling you all day how great you are. People feel the best about themselves when they set out to do something, give it all they've got, and do it! Give your kids something to accomplish. A job well-done. The feeling at the end of the day when you worked hard and you can look at the results. Kids, like adults, believe they are capable of big things when they've DONE big things. Not when someone just tells them they can do big things. Give your kids the gift of a great self esteem. Give them the gift of accomplishment. Give them chores.  :-)

Is It Time For A Makeover?

Our kids learn a lot from us. Unfortunately, not always what we want them to be learning. Often our best intentions and purest motives for our children are undermined by our own parenting style. We love our kids, that's not the problem. But is our parenting style causing our love to get lost in translation? Consider this question: Is it time for a parenting style makeover? Well, if you fall into one of the two most commonly found parenting style categories, then YES IT IS! These two parenting style disasters are what we call the Drill Sergeant and the Helicopter. And let's just say, they are as out of style as those 1980's shoulder pads!

Drill Sergeants, while easy to identify with their "its my way or the highway" philosophy are not so easy to reform. (Take it from this recovering Drill Sergeant!) These parents are all about control! They command and direct all or most areas of the lives of their children with lots of demands (direct orders) and children are expected to salute! Their children have little or no practice in taking control of their lives or solving their own problems. Even problems brought on by the children themselves are typically solved by the Drill Sergeant with barked out orders. These parents rely heavily on punishment and threats to teach the lesson. The Three Rules the Drill Sergeant lives by are: Berate, Belittle and Bewilder. And sadly, the lesson typically learned by the children of Drill Sergeants is that Mom or Dad and their anger is the bad guy instead of their own bad decision.

Helicopters, fast becoming the parenting style of our time, is easily identified by their "hover and rescue" philosophy. They are all about protection and spend an incredible amount of energy rescuing their children from the 'hostile' world we live in. Anything negative is viewed as an enemy that children need protection from. These parents may regularly protect their children from household chores, consequences at school or even the other parent! Pain and struggle for the children is to be avoided at all costs. This even includes the natural consequences of the children's poor decisions. However, after saving their children from such adversaries, Helicopters typically use guilt to teach the lesson with statements like, "Look at everything I have to do for you! When are you going to learn?" Using the Three Rules of the Helicopter: Rant, Rave and Rescue, they really only teach their children that they are fragile and entitled.

While Drill Sergeants and Helicopters love their children and have the best intentions in the world, their various styles send their children a powerful and dangerous unspoken message. The message is this: "You can't handle your life. You are too weak. You need me to do all the thinking and problem solving." Unfortunately, the children of Drill Sergeants, though loyally saluted when young, commonly use a salute of a different kind by their teen years. The children of Helicopters grow more and more dependent upon Mom/Dad to protect/defend and provide for them. This results in a lack of problem solving and coping skills as well as an overdeveloped sense of entitlement. The outcome of such debilitating covert messages reinforced over years is young adults released to the real world without any real practice in actual living. They never got to listen to their own conscience, learn from their own mistakes or solve their own problems. Many times they end up in a genuinely paralyzed mental/emotional state when facing the real world on their own. Sadly, in spite of our deep and committed love for our children, these methods will produce less confident, less capable and less responsible members of society: the exact opposite of what any loving parent wants to achieve!

Does this sound a bit discouraging? Well fear not, there is a third kind of parenting style... the Consultant. This parent works hard to see that their motives and methods match up! They set and enforce limits as loving authority figures in spite of the discomfort it causes their children. They live by the old adage: "Practice makes perfect" and allow their children to practice making decisions and solving problems from early on. They do this because they know that the bigger the kid, the bigger the consequence, so the younger they fail, the better! And when their children do make poor decisions, Consultants allow empathy and the natural consequences to do the teaching. Consultants guide their children through problem solving but never solve problems for them. These parents share control with their children through choices and allow their children to live with the consequences of those choices. They use more actions and fewer words. These parents sends the "can do" message to their children. The Three Rules of the Consultant: Enforce, Empathize and Empower allow their children to develop character the way all the great men and women of History have: through struggle and achievement.

The good news is that its never too late. Not for your children and not for you! Take it from a recovering Drill Sergeant with 12 children. If there is hope for me, there is hope for anyone! 

Ready for your makeover? Discover Parenting with Love and Logic^® by checking out the official website at loveandlogic.com or email me today for your free Parent Coaching Session at kimberly@kjkenterprises.com.

Are Your Eyes Smiling?

Recently, while teaching a parenting class, I was reminded about this fascinating dynamic of communication: only 7% is verbal. That means that 93% of what you say has nothing to do with your words. We are saying more with our body language, facial expressions and tone of voice, etc. than with our actual words. One of the most effective ways to communicate your love and affection more effectively is by asking yourself, "How do I like to be spoken to?" If you appreciate affection, then give it. If a harsh voice makes you feel uncomfortable, then it probably does to those around you. If you feel better when your being smiled at, then smile! In fact, try an experiment. Take one day and smile at everyone you see. You'll be amazed at how many people actually smile back. A simple smile is a wonderful way to add joy to your day, and to someone else's. It may sound a bit ridiculous to some, but do you remember to smile at your own children? Moms and dads can be so caught up in the day's routine, that they forget to even make eye contact with their children, much less smile. And if you think that your kids are too 'little' to be affected by your non-verbal communication, think again. While discussing non-verbal communication in class, one participant shared a story with us about her toddler. Her little one encountered a certain man, and the little one didn't find this encounter very pleasant. Mommy said, "Oh, he was okay Sweetie. Remember he was smiling?"  The toddler replied, "Yeah, but his eyes weren't smiling!" Are yours?