Our kids learn a lot from us. Unfortunately, not always what we want them to be learning. Often our best intentions and purest motives for our children are
undermined by our own parenting style. We love our kids, that's not the problem. But is our parenting style causing our love to get lost in translation? Consider this question: Is it time for a parenting style makeover? Well, if you fall into one of the two most commonly found parenting style categories, then YES IT IS! These two parenting style disasters are what we call the Drill Sergeant and
the Helicopter. And let's just say, they are as out of style as those 1980's shoulder pads!
Drill Sergeants, while easy to identify with their "its my way or the highway" philosophy are not so easy to reform. (Take it from this recovering Drill Sergeant!) These parents are all about control! They command and direct all or most areas of the lives of their children with lots of demands (direct orders) and children are expected to salute! Their children have little or no practice in taking control of their lives or solving their own problems. Even problems brought on by the children themselves are typically solved by the Drill Sergeant with barked out orders. These parents rely heavily on punishment and threats to teach the lesson. The Three Rules the Drill Sergeant lives by are: Berate, Belittle and Bewilder. And sadly, the lesson typically learned by the children of Drill Sergeants is that Mom or Dad and their anger is the bad guy instead of their own bad decision.
Helicopters, fast becoming the parenting style of our time, is easily identified by their "hover and rescue" philosophy. They are all about protection and spend an incredible amount of energy rescuing their children from the 'hostile' world we live in. Anything negative is viewed as an enemy that children need protection from. These parents may regularly protect their children from household chores, consequences at school or even the other parent! Pain and struggle for the children is to be avoided at all costs. This even includes the natural consequences of the children's poor decisions. However, after saving their children from such adversaries, Helicopters typically use guilt to teach the lesson with statements like, "Look at everything I have to do for you! When are you going to learn?" Using the Three Rules of the Helicopter: Rant, Rave and Rescue, they really only teach their children that they are fragile and entitled.
While Drill Sergeants and Helicopters love their children and have the best intentions in the world, their various styles send their children a powerful and dangerous unspoken message. The message is this: "You can't handle your life. You are too weak. You need me to do all the thinking and problem solving." Unfortunately, the children of Drill Sergeants, though loyally saluted when young, commonly use a salute of a different kind by their teen years. The children of Helicopters grow more and more dependent upon Mom/Dad to protect/defend and provide for them. This results in a lack of problem solving and coping skills as well as an overdeveloped sense of entitlement. The outcome of such debilitating covert messages reinforced over years is young adults released to the real world without any real practice in actual living. They never got to listen to their own conscience, learn from their own mistakes or solve their own problems. Many times they end up in a genuinely paralyzed mental/emotional state when facing the real world on their own. Sadly, in spite of our deep and committed love for our children, these methods will produce less confident, less capable and less responsible members of society: the exact opposite of what any loving parent wants to achieve!
Does this sound a bit discouraging? Well fear not, there is a third kind of parenting style... the Consultant. This parent works hard to see that their motives and methods match up! They set and enforce limits as loving authority figures in spite of the discomfort it causes their children. They live by the old adage: "Practice makes perfect" and allow their children to practice making decisions and solving problems from early on. They do this because they know that the bigger the kid, the bigger the consequence, so the younger they fail, the better! And when their children do make poor decisions, Consultants allow empathy and the natural consequences to do the teaching. Consultants guide their children through problem solving but never solve problems for them. These parents share control with their children through choices and allow their children to live with the consequences of those choices. They use more actions and fewer words. These parents sends the "can do" message to their children. The Three Rules of the Consultant: Enforce, Empathize and Empower allow their children to develop character the way all the great men and women of History have: through struggle and achievement.
The good news is that its never too late. Not for your children and not for you! Take it from a recovering Drill Sergeant with 12 children. If there is hope for me, there is hope for anyone!
Ready for your makeover? Discover Parenting with Love and Logic® by checking out the official website at loveandlogic.com or email me today for your free Parent Coaching Session at kimberly@kjkenterprises.com.
