Merry Christmas From Our Blended Family

Blending two families into one isn't easy. But it is worth all of the hard work it takes to call all of these amazing people.... FAMILY.

A wise step-dad recently said to me, "When step parenting gets tough, I remind myself that Joseph was a step-father to Jesus." Wow. We think we have it hard... try step-parenting the Son of God.

It's just a little perspective. Step-dads and moms: this one is for YOU. Choosing to co-parent your spouse's children is a difficult but noble thing. Not a lot of people choose to do it at all, much less with love and dedication. And it's a largely thankless job. Sometimes you don't even get thanks from your spouse, much less the kids! But I want you to know that no matter what the situation, it is a privilege to impact and influence the life of a child. So don't grow weary in well-doing. And remember, a lot of the issues they may have with you, they would probably have with anyone in your shoes. Try not to take it personal. Try a gentler approach with them and if you're a hot-head, take a Love and Logic Course. You have no idea how your life can affect the lives of the children that you love (for the good and the bad). It's worth every effort on our part to build up the kids God gave us, no matter how they came to us.

On behalf of the kids you are voluntarily loving, providing for, taking care of... I thank you. Good for you. Keep it up. Those seeds ALWAYS yield a harvest.

And if your spouse is step-parenting your kids, this is the perfect time of year to express your gratitude.

Merry Christmas to your Beautiful Families, Blended or Not.

Love is a Tricky Thing

Love is not easy... We can love someone with all of our hearts and they can be feeling like the complete opposite is true.  We might hear something like, "You don't even love me!" I know this one well. I am a mom who has dedicated my life to loving and raising my children, even educating them myself for twelve years. Yet, there was a long period of time that they did not feel loved by me. When I learned that my love was getting lost in translation... I GOT SOME HELP AND MADE SOME CHANGES! Somehow, all of the energy I spent caring for and worrying about them did not make them feel loved. In fact, because I was afraid for them and angry at others in my life most of the time, they hardly felt like I even liked them. Well, I am still working on it today. I am not where I need to be, but THANK GOD I'm not where I used to be. Now, it is more important to me that my kids feel loved and accepted, no matter what, than if I have the perfect parenting skills. And with the understanding that LOVE does not equal ENABLING, I have come to love my kids better than I used to. And that is all its really about.... getting better and better at this LOVE thing. :-)   Watch this video and love better, too.

Here are a few 'languages' parents speak that kids DO NOT:

• Kids do not translate our fear for how they are going to turn out as love.
• Kids do not translate our anger with them as concern.
• Kids do not translate a 60 hour work week as love.
• Kids do not translate cooking, cleaning, laundry, bill-paying, rides to school, money for the movies, etc. etc. as love or sacrifice. (Don't you wish they did?!)

If you have a feeling your love might be getting lost in translation, consider a few ideas:

• Make eye contact with them when you talk. Get down on their level. Be affectionate.
• Greet them with a special greeting every time you say Hello, Goodbye, Good Morning and Good Night. Be affectionate.
• Join them in an activity that THEY love. 
• Do something thoughtful for them, like a chore, or a favor, without being asked.
• Kids spell love: T-I-M-E. Spend some on them. Just the two of you. 
• Learn some new techniques to use empathy instead of anger when giving consequences so that their bad decision can be the bad guy and you can be the good guy.
• Take a Love and Logic® Class and sharpen your skills and then tell them you are working hard to be a better parent. (Be real with them. They need to know that we don't think we're perfect.)
• Tell them what you see in their heart...not what they have achieved that makes you proud. "You are so generous, You are so kind, You work so hard!" Etc.
•  Above all, Model LOVE and RESPECT. Kids do what we do, NOT what we SAY. Do you want your kids to be loving and respectful? Then treat them that way. Before you know it, everyone in your home will be feeling more loved!

I bet you have some great ideas, too. Try one. See if you can start speaking the same language more often. 

PS. This applies to spouses, too. :-)

There's A Better Way...You Can Count On It

A while back, I took some of my girls to Walmart. We were in the hair/makeup section (me, in hair and makeup? I know.)  As we rounded the corner from one aisle to another, we almost hit head on with a couple of little boys having a blast, seemingly, all by themselves. There were two of them and they were probably five and six years old. They had discovered that the soles of their shoes were more like ice skates on the Walmart tiles and they were loving it. My first thought was, 'I wonder where Mom is?' I figured she couldn't be far. Stumbling across a scene like this, it would be easy to judge but I try hard to steer clear of that... God knows that many times you could have taken this same scene and just inserted me and any two of my Lovely Dozen. I figured that mom wasn't far, like I would've been. My first guess was that she was probably lost in the Bermuda Triangle of comparison shopping. I've been guilty of that. We walked past another aisle, navigating around the two little energizer bunnies and just as we passed by, I heard her. It was definitely Mom, and she was definitely lost in the afore mentioned triangle. In the time it took us to pass her by, she said this: "Kids... Come here............." And then, while still staring at the shelves in front of her, she added... "One........ Two.........."  As her voice trailed off, I swerved to avoid the two wide-eyed, giggling, VERY oblivious little figure skaters. She stopped short of "Three" as she pulled another bottle of whatever off the shelf. At that point, with my sarcasm in tow, I thought, 'How's that counting thing workin' for ya?'  And my daughter Ella and I went on our way. As we walked, I was mentally reviewing the reasons why counting is ineffective and actually teaches our kids the opposite of what we want them to know. (Like waiting for a count-down to listen instead of doing what we ask the first time.) Now, Ella was only two weeks short of her 10th birthday at this time, and she's a smart one. But little did I know, she was thinking about the counting incident, too. And was I surprised by her observation!

"Mom?"

"Yes, Ella?"

"Isn't it sad that some parents actually think that counting works?" 

"Um... Yes, Ella. It is...."

Wow. She had her empathy locked in. She felt bad for the parents who touted counting as their best skill. Then, she asked me a thinking question instead of giving a lecture. There was no sarcasm, no criticism. Just wisdom. 

Moral of the story: When I grow up, I want to be just like Ella.