Tips for Saying No

I encounter more and more people everyday, who have a really hard time saying No in certain situations.

In fact, this is such a common theme these days, that I thought I'd send out a couple of tips for you to consider when you have to decide between Yes or No when faced with a request. You may just need some assertive communication tools and I would love to offer you some to try.

Tip #1... BEFORE you answer Yes or No to a request, ask yourself these two key questions:

1. Am I willing?

For example: You are asked to volunteer to coordinate an event or coach a team. Your initial reaction is to feel obligated - but don't answer yet! Feeling obligated does not mean this is the best decision for you! Ask yourself if you really want to do this..... If the answer is Yes, I actually want to do this.... still.... DON'T ANSWER YET, because there is one more question to ask.

2. Am I able?

You may really want to, but flat out cannot. What would be some good reasons you cannot say Yes, even though you'd like to? Well, I would compel you to consider whether you have the...

a. Time
b. Energy or
c. Money (if necessary for the endeavor).

These are three of your most valuable and limited resources. We all only get 24 hours in a day. We all have to go to sleep at night for a new supply of energy for tomorrow and I don't know about you, but my bank account is still limited. So, are you spending these resources carefully and wisely, or are you totally overextended in one or more of these areas?


Tip #2...Answer the request based on your honest reply to the two questions without offering a lengthy explanation.

Your answer to the original request for help might sound something like this:

"I would love to help with this, I really would! However, my plate is just full enough right now and I just can't fit in one more thing. Please don't hesitate to ask me again next year though!

-OR-

"That sounds really fun! Unfortunately I am already committed to something during that time. But I have an idea of some other great candidates for you!"

Saying No without a detailed explanation is key because offering your 'reasons' for saying No only invites the listener to weigh them up and decide whether to approve or disapprove. (Whether their approval/disapproval is stated or goes unstated, this is human nature's internal response to hearing anyone plead their case.) BOTTOM LINE: YOU ARE NOT ASKING FOR APPROVAL. You are spending your resources carefully and wisely so you can be the best you can be in the areas of your life that matter most to you. Furthermore, explaining invites judgment and we've all had enough of that. You are simply responding to a request. Leave it that simple.

Tip #3... Here's what to do if you choke:

You are so flustered trying to remember what to ask yourself and also feeling the pressure of obligation in the moment so naturally your instinct would be to make a snap decision to put an end the this flood of emotions inside of you. PLEASE DON'T MAKE A SNAP DECISION. Simply say something like:

"Oh, sounds interesting.. Can I give it some thought and get back to you?"

-OR-

"I will consider it and get back to you. When do you need my final answer by?"

You just bought plenty of time to ask yourself the two questions: "Am I willing? And if so, am I able?" You can get back to them once you have prepared your reply. (If you have a really hard time with this, I recommend rehearsing several times.)

Well, these are some really powerful, really helpful skills to keep you from being a YES man or woman and totally overextending yourself. These two questions changed my life. I never knew I had a right to not want to do something. Or the right to not have the resources to do something even if I wanted to do it. I guess I needed permission to say No, or to say, I want to, but can't. And that's why I'm giving it to you, today (just in case you need it, too.)


Now.... the million dollar question is.......

Can you do this WITHOUT GUILT???