10 Ways to Start Fresh in 2014

1. Unsubscribe to emails you NEVER read (except for mine). It only takes a few seconds and it will save you hours of time that would add up cleaning out your inbox everyday. You can always find that information again... that's what Google is for.

2. Donate every kitchen utensil or personal care product you did not use in 2013. Be Free! Why store useless items in the sanctuary that is your home? Get rid of a little bit every week so that you are always purging.

3. Donate every piece of clothing you did not wear in 2014. Don't believe the lie that you will wear it again, "someday." Someday is not a day of the week. Let it be a blessing to someone else!

4. Pitch every pair of scruffy shoes and piece of ratty clothing you own no matter how much you love them. You will find love again. I promise. In the meantime, good things tend to come to those who don't hold on to the last shred of the past.

5. Choose one personal health goal to begin working on in 2014. Just one to start. Then tell one friend who is not afraid to call you on your crap to hold you to it. Write it down as if it already happened and put it somewhere you will see it everyday. Then say it out loud each day. (i.e., I have cut out 75% of my sugar intake. It's showing on my waistline and I am feeling fabulous!  Or...I run 20 miles per week and I feel empowered!)

6. Choose one professional or business goal to begin working on in 2014. Follow instructions from number 5. See yourself as if you've already accomplished it.... and you will. As a man thinks in his heart, so is he. (Proverbs 23:7)

7. Say goodbye to draining people. Friendships that bring more negative than positive to your life are like a checkbook that's overdrawn all the time. No matter how much you deposit, you never get ahead. Not  worth the energy. No hard feelings necessary - just wise "budgeting" of the love and care you spend out of your great big heart.

8. Set new, firm, loving limits in old problematic relationships. (This mostly applies to people you are related to and aren't able to budget out of your life.) Try saying NO where you previously said YES but knew you shouldn't... such as: I will spend time with you again when it is fun for me, too. I will continue this talk when we are both calm. I will do those extra things for you when I feel respected. I will work as hard on your problems as you are willing to work on them. And so on.

9. Let yourself off the hook! Forgive yourself for.... being human. You can't possibly get it all right every time, your DNA won't let you. Accept failure as part of the journey to success but never accept defeat. (All successful people have a string of failures behind them, but not all people who fail become successful.) If you have not given up, regardless of setbacks, rejection or failure, then you need to give yourself some serious credit! If you have given up, decide to get up and go again! 

10. Have a talk with God. Only He can truly clean your slate and make all things new. Only He can unload your fears, your guilty conscience and those heavy burdens. Only He can give you the power to love like you want to love and the gift of being loved the way you long to be loved. And guess what? He wants you to start 2014 with HOPE. I promise. Just Ask Him!

Happy New You!

Tips for Saying No

I encounter more and more people everyday, who have a really hard time saying No in certain situations.

In fact, this is such a common theme these days, that I thought I'd send out a couple of tips for you to consider when you have to decide between Yes or No when faced with a request. You may just need some assertive communication tools and I would love to offer you some to try.

Tip #1... BEFORE you answer Yes or No to a request, ask yourself these two key questions:

1. Am I willing?

For example: You are asked to volunteer to coordinate an event or coach a team. Your initial reaction is to feel obligated - but don't answer yet! Feeling obligated does not mean this is the best decision for you! Ask yourself if you really want to do this..... If the answer is Yes, I actually want to do this.... still.... DON'T ANSWER YET, because there is one more question to ask.

2. Am I able?

You may really want to, but flat out cannot. What would be some good reasons you cannot say Yes, even though you'd like to? Well, I would compel you to consider whether you have the...

a. Time
b. Energy or
c. Money (if necessary for the endeavor).

These are three of your most valuable and limited resources. We all only get 24 hours in a day. We all have to go to sleep at night for a new supply of energy for tomorrow and I don't know about you, but my bank account is still limited. So, are you spending these resources carefully and wisely, or are you totally overextended in one or more of these areas?


Tip #2...Answer the request based on your honest reply to the two questions without offering a lengthy explanation.

Your answer to the original request for help might sound something like this:

"I would love to help with this, I really would! However, my plate is just full enough right now and I just can't fit in one more thing. Please don't hesitate to ask me again next year though!

-OR-

"That sounds really fun! Unfortunately I am already committed to something during that time. But I have an idea of some other great candidates for you!"

Saying No without a detailed explanation is key because offering your 'reasons' for saying No only invites the listener to weigh them up and decide whether to approve or disapprove. (Whether their approval/disapproval is stated or goes unstated, this is human nature's internal response to hearing anyone plead their case.) BOTTOM LINE: YOU ARE NOT ASKING FOR APPROVAL. You are spending your resources carefully and wisely so you can be the best you can be in the areas of your life that matter most to you. Furthermore, explaining invites judgment and we've all had enough of that. You are simply responding to a request. Leave it that simple.

Tip #3... Here's what to do if you choke:

You are so flustered trying to remember what to ask yourself and also feeling the pressure of obligation in the moment so naturally your instinct would be to make a snap decision to put an end the this flood of emotions inside of you. PLEASE DON'T MAKE A SNAP DECISION. Simply say something like:

"Oh, sounds interesting.. Can I give it some thought and get back to you?"

-OR-

"I will consider it and get back to you. When do you need my final answer by?"

You just bought plenty of time to ask yourself the two questions: "Am I willing? And if so, am I able?" You can get back to them once you have prepared your reply. (If you have a really hard time with this, I recommend rehearsing several times.)

Well, these are some really powerful, really helpful skills to keep you from being a YES man or woman and totally overextending yourself. These two questions changed my life. I never knew I had a right to not want to do something. Or the right to not have the resources to do something even if I wanted to do it. I guess I needed permission to say No, or to say, I want to, but can't. And that's why I'm giving it to you, today (just in case you need it, too.)


Now.... the million dollar question is.......

Can you do this WITHOUT GUILT???

How to Build a Team... by My Kids

I've been immersed in Leadership Training lately. Books, Cd's, articles, etc. I am inspired. And leaders aren't satisfied just to be inspired themselves, they must inspire others. Especially their own teams! So I get this idea to go out for dinner with the family and call it our "Monthly Team Building Dinner." I was so excited. I just knew that this was the start of a spark which could be fanned into a flame. I am, after all, a perpetual visionary. (But my visions don't always play out in reality like they do in my head... go figure. But, I digress.) 

So here we are, Scott and I and a bunch of kids, 14 and under, munching our Mexican food as I announce my agenda. Let's just say, no one did a cartwheel. A couple of kids said, 

"A what?" 

"A TEAM BUILDING DINNER." (Note to self: You don't actually have to announce what it is to accomplish its purpose.) I begin to talk to them about my feelings about the team and how I would love to hear what each one of them thinks of the team and what would make it even better.

"What team?"

"Yeah, Mom, what team?"

Deep breath.

"Our family, kids. I'm talking about the Krueger Family." (Big smile.)

"Oh." Munch munch.

Alright, I've worked with tougher crowds than this one, I reasoned. I can handle this. I just keep moving along with the same amount of excitement and energy partially wondering if this will go down in our family history as a total FAIL. (Even a FAIL in our family isn't a total fail if it provides laughter later! Because Tragedy + Time = Comedy in this house.) 

I begin to build up the team and tell them that I think we have some great things going on. We are a loving family, we work hard, we laugh, we play and so on. I speak of how we need each other... how everyone on a team is needed to make the team work. Then I begin to ask some questions. 

"So, Lucy, (names have been changed to protect the not so innocent) what are some things you think we could do different or better to be an even BETTER team? A better family?

Silence....................

"Lucy?"

....................

"Ah, Lucy.... did you hear me?"

Blank stare.

"Oh. Are you talking to me?"

"Ah, Yes."

"What did you say? I didn't hear you."

I'm trying to stay calm now, because Lucy had a 'silent attitude' going since we left the house. Not that I prefer the loud attitudes more, I don't. It's just that I'm pretty sure with how silent she was being, she could hear what the people out in the parking lot were saying.

"What are some things we could do different or better to be an even BETTER family?"

"I don't know........... Be nice to each other?"

"Okay, what do you guys think of that?"

"Mom, can I have a quarter?"

"No, not right now."

At this point, I thought of countless leaders who were highly motivated for progress, growth and success and like me, their enthusiasm was met with..... boredom.

 

But, I pressed on.

And am I glad I did.

Sometimes a little extra patience pays off.

My kiddos surprised me. And challenged me. Kids are, first of all, HONEST. If you need to take your leadership temperature, so to speak, ask your kids. Secondly, they are very insightful. Not a lot gets past them relationally. 

Here is a list of things that my "Team" came up with to make us a better family:

• be nicer to each other
• get along better
• don't fight with each other
• work together side by side
• everyone take care of their own stuff
• care for each other more
• love each other better
• spend more time together as a family
• trust each other

And this last one, my husband threw in. (It's his secret to staying sane with 11 step-children):

• keep a good sense of humor

Then I asked them this: "Kids, what makes a team really stick together?" They all agreed.....

"Love and Trust."

I found myself wanting to rise to the occasion....To love more, to demonstrate more trustworthiness.... To show that I care with actions, not just think about how much I care....To model the things that they said would make us better. 

Because I want to be better.

I want my family to be better.

Wait a minute. Now... 

Who's leading who?

Confessions of a Recovering Drill Sergeant

So..... I ran an experiment. I decided to put my Love and Logic skills on a shelf and be a good old fashioned drill sergeant again. On purpose. I did this because I was genuinely frustrated, but I really wondered if some shock and awe might just throw the kids off guard enough to get some results. I know from my old drill sergeant days that if this frustrated, angry, bossy mom is all they get, then it is totally ineffective. But I thought, it's been a while since they got that mom..... so lets give it a whirl. 

I started with some good old fashioned yelling. I threw in some threats of impending doom and topped it off with dripping sarcasm. And being totally truthful..... it felt good! In the moment, it felt great. No more having to work so hard to use my skills! Stay calm? Nahhhh. Remember my one-liners, etc. Uh-ah. No empathy from this Drill Sergeant, Mom!  Man, I was sick of this crap! Enough was enough already! This will teach 'em! And the kids could see that Mom was NOT HAPPY. The problems I was most sick of were mostly with one particular strong-willed 12 year old. He was the one I was really hoping to 'send a message' to. As the evening unfolded, I noticed that everyone.... that is everyone EXCEPT FOR the 12 year old.... were falling in line and saluting like little soldiers. I even got a note from Ava (my 7 year old) saying how bad she felt for me because the kids were making me so "tyird" and "frustratid" (tired and frustrated).

I know. Heart wrenching. I'll get to the note in a minute. So I've got a troop of little soldiers and one who's gone AWOL. Well, not really, but in terms of joining the others to salute, definitely AWOL. What became quickly and painfully obvious to me was that the more frustrated I became, the more challenging he became. A power struggle ensued over anything and everything that this kids could think up until beyond his bedtime. It ended with him leaving his bedroom door open after they all went to bed, so that the dog would keep going in his room. He would then chase him out of the room, down the stairs with all of the noise and drama you can imagine claiming that he just "can't get Lincoln to stay out of his room!" (Because closing the door just wouldn't get his mom's goat like chasing the dog around the house and yelling and pounding after everyone's bedtime so that wasn't an option.) After 3 or so rounds of this, I calmly went up stairs and closed his bedroom door. Within 30 seconds, I heard him open the door. Is your blood pressure going up just reading this? I know. At this point I faced the facts: MISSION FAILED. ABORT. ABORT. ABORT.

I calmly put Lincoln in his kennel. Left the door and the child alone and put myself in a time-out. I needed to decompress and reflect on this later. No sense in staying worked up. Everyone was in bed now, the house was quiet (or so I hoped). A couple of hours later, as I was getting ready to go to bed and  I had this feeling - familiar, but unwelcome. I felt........ bad. I felt like a bad mom. I remembered my yelling. Even though it was a "controlled outburst" it was an outburst, nonetheless. I just didn't feel proud of that. I knew I had gotten in the ring. And worse - I got in the ring first and invited tham all in! I felt... icky. Guilty. Then I took a couple of minutes to read the note that Ava had given me several hours earlier.......... yikes. My heart just sank. The one I was attempting to teach was further away from learning and the littlest of them all got caught in the crossfire. More confirmation that my experiment had failed. And isn't that like combat? It's always the innocent that suffer most.

But here's what's great about experiments: Even failed ones can be a benefit to you.... IF YOU LEARN FROM THEM. So I quickly pushed aside the temptation to wallow in guilt, decided I would take my skills back off of the shelf and made a mental list of everything I learned from this experiment:

1. Anger and frustration REALLY DO FEED MISBEHAVIOR

2. L&L is spot on when they say, "NEVER TELL A STRONG WILLED KID WHAT TO DO. Instead, tell him what you are willing or not willing to do." As soon as I started telling him what's what.... it was GAME ON. And that's a game I am no longer interested in playing!

3. Making parental decisions out of anger, or any decisions for that matter, is a set up for failure. It is best to wait until you are calm, even if it takes a couple of days! When you are too mad, or you just plain don't know what to do, wait. Wait until your mind is clear. Wait until you can deliver the consequence or bad news to the child with EMPATHY. 

4. The more I yelled and argued with the kids, the more arguing and yelling went on in my house. All of the sudden it was time for everyone to tell everyone else everything on their minds....... It was one thing after another. What a can of worms I opened!

5. Making kids feel that they are responsible for your emotional state is not fair to them or healthy. I am in charge of how I feel and how I act based on those feelings. Ava's note was a painful reminder that kids are little sponges and they soak up everything you teach them, spoken and unspoken.

6. The most important and profound lesson I learned is that I use my skills to FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF! Not to control my children. I've ended many days having one or more strong willed kids who refused to 'learn' and went to bed while still trying to get me to engage and jump in the ring. But the difference was: When I used my skills, I went to bed feeling good about me and at peace on the inside. And that's the way I prefer to live.

I was also reminded that kids are quick to forgive when we are quick to apologize.  :-)  Thank God. 

So there you have it..... confessions from a recovering Drill Sergeant's failed but wonderfully confirming experiment.

Let The Pain Do Its Work

So, you've inventoried your relationships, and found that you were trying to help one or more unhelpable people. Maybe even a close family member, spouse or other loved one. Now what? You might be wondering, "Then how can I help them? I can't just do nothing!" I agree. Love is actually an action not a feeling. If our love is genuine, then it should be demonstrated with actions. Here is my follow up video to help you with the next step:

So.... loving means allowing the ones we love to feel the natural consequences of their choices. (So that the discomfort or pain can motivate them to reconsider those choices!) Rememeber: you can choose to do something about your pain even if no one else in your life does.

Please don't ignore those dashboard lights... I did that for too long. The pit was only deeper and darker when I finally decided to climb out. Maybe you've already been ignoring those pain signals for so long, you think, "Why bother?" If that's you, I say: Never Never Never give up! It's NEVER too late to choose life!

Remember this: You always have options. You may not like any of them, but you always have options. Choose to take care of YOU and others who really want to change will eventually follow.
 

Unhelpable People

If you're like me, then you want to help others. Have you found yourself working harder to help someone than they are willing to work to help themselves? I have. I have also been that person. In my newest Vlog, I will tell you about two kinds of people who cannot be helped. 

 

Two kinds of people that cannot be helped: (REVIEW)

1. People who refuse to admit that they have a problem.

2. People who believe that you, others or circumstances are the source of their problems.

You have so much to give. And your time, emotional energy and money are your most valuable resources. Spend them first on yourself, and then on people who can be helped! Remember this: Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% what we do with it! Realizing that you are trying to help the unhelpable? My next Vlog is for you!

5 Things You'll Need To Get Where You Want To Be

Becoming the person you want to be, and were made to be, is a journey. You need four good tires and a lot of fuel for a long journey (among other things). Watch here to find out what those tires are, and what the fuel is that will keep them spinning.

Don't have some or all of these? Seek them and find them like your life depends on it... because it just might. At the very least, the life you really want to be living depends on it!

5 Things You'll Need To Get Where You Want To Be (Review):

1. A Teachable Heart

2. Knowledge

3. Practical Skills

4. Support

5. Faith

Now, let's get on the road and take this journey together!

Love Does the Hard Thing

"Anything that's worth having, is worth working for." Don't you just hate that saying? Okay, hate is a strong word. Don't you just dislike that saying? It really goes against the grain of our human nature. Even if we strongly agree with it! Which I do. Why is everything so hard? Why can't it just come easy for a change? I guess I might just be a little tired right now from working so hard for things that are worth having. And by things, I don't mean stuff. I mean people. I mean relationships.

Alright, I'm through whining now, (and the rest of this blog entry will mainly be written to myself). Yes, people are worth it. Yes, relationships are worth the blood (depending on whose it was ;-), sweat and tears. But why? Well, sometimes that answer escapes us. The real answer, that is. Of course, there are all of the appropriate answers.. like.. "Because people are important, and so are their feelings." Yes, true. But when those important people with all those tender feelings are the very people who are making mince meat of yours, then what? Then what is your motivation? Hmmm. "Love. Love is the answer. We do it for love!" Okay. That sounds great. But I have a question for you: Are you working hard for the sake of giving love, or for the sake of GETTING it?" Ouch. (I hate it when I ask myself those questions!)

People do and say A LOT of things for the sake of love. God knows I have. But being honest, for the better portion of my life, I endured and struggled and did some hard things in relationships and it was so that I could get love, not necessarily give it. And typically no one involved was better for it. Shouldn't love, pure love, righteous love, make things better? Well, in Hollywood, any kind of love makes things better! (In fact, it sells any kind of movie, too! Oh! And makes you able to kill, like, 8 armed men with your bare hands and various other feats that used to only be believable in Marvel Comic Books, but I digress.) Really, think about this. If 'love is all we need' and 'love conquers all', then why do so many 'loving' relationships deteriorate or even implode? Why are people worse and not better after loving and being loved? And I'm not just referring to romantic relationships. This is a universal question and I believe, there's a universal answer.

It all comes down to what love is, what love does and what love really looks like. Tough to explain without a lot of cliches but I will try. I will start with what love isn't. In my humble opinion, love isn't giving people what they want so that they will be happy with you and like you more. Love isn't rescuing people from pain so that they don't have to suffer or so that they will become dependent on you. Love isn't saving someone from the natural consequences of their poor choices in order to 'protect' their reputation (or is it yours? I'm confused.) Love isn't 'putting up with' someone, no matter how unbecoming their behavior,  because, "Ya know, I love 'em". (Tolerance actually communicates approval and reinforces what it is tolerating).  Love does not defend and protect because "My ___________ would NEVER do that!!!" (There's a word for that. It's denial.) Love isn't acting like something doesn't really bother you when it really does, but you're afraid if you say that out loud, there might be conflict. (Conflict is bad because it leads to disapproval and disapproval leads to separation and separation is bad because it leads to loneliness so, no, definitely don't say anything.) Yeah, that's not love either, but we all do that. Love is not: I just want them to have everything they want and not have to struggle for it. (If the Heavenly Father thinks struggle is good enough for His kids, why isn't it good enough for yours?)  Love isn't nicer to the neighbors than it is to its own family. Love is not spending every waking moment with one person to the point where they don't even have time for their own family/friends anymore. Love doesn't do that. Love doesn't do any of these things. Selfishness does. Selfishness disguised as love.

I can hear the outcry now... "WHAT! Are you calling me selfish?? Do you have any idea how much I LOVE __________??" Yes and no. Yes I'm calling you selfish. I'm calling myself selfish, too. I am guilty of all of the above and worse in the name of love. And no, I really couldn't possibly have a real idea of how much you love anybody. But I don't doubt that you do. I am simply saying, that we can't do whatever feels good for us in a relationship, or produces the return we are after, and slap a label on it called 'LOVE'.

Love (when it comes to loving people) is actually a pretty concrete thing. Its an action, or a series of actions. And in order to be classified as actual love, real love, God's love, its motive is ALWAYS what is best for its subject. In other words, love is NEVER self-serving. Love always discerns what is best (in the long run, not just immediately) for the person it's loving. Regardless of personal cost. It may cost fun. It may cost loneliness. It may cost persecution. It may cost rejection. It may cost money. It may cost the relationship itself! But it is always a worthwhile investment because it is an investment in people. And an investment in love, always produces multiplied returns. (Remember that whole reaping and sowing thing? Well it applies to loving just like anything else. "Whatever a man sows, so shall he reap...")  Paul described love the best in 1 Corinthians 13. I could never say it as well as he did, but I have found some ways to say it that help me remember what love looks like in a tough situation, or in a tough relationship. Love allows people to fail and believes they will rise in spite of their failures (And who knows? Maybe even BECAUSE of them!)  Love knows that struggle produces character in kids of all ages: 9 months-99!  Love holds people accountable, so they can take responsibility for their actions. Love knows that this is the recipe for maturity and growth. Love also knows that some have a particular aversion to maturity and growth, and love can accept that. Because love gives the freedom to choose. (If you're not sure about that, read the Old Testament.)  Love does not reject people, although it may have to reject their choices or lifestyle. Love says "Yes" as often as it can, and "No" only when it must.  Love respects. Loving is treating others the way you want to be treated. Even when you're not getting that treatment. Especially when you're not. That's REAL love. Love sometimes has to say, "You are killing yourself slowly, and I won't help you do it." How could love possibly consciously help inflict harm on its subject? It couldn't. (Don't mistake natural consequences for poor choices as 'harm'. Harm is self sabotaging behavior.) Love says, "You are free to choose that for yourself, but that will not work for me."

If your motive, and mine, is NOT selfish, then our love should help make those that we love, better. (Should they choose to partner with that love and do their own 'hard things'.) In essence, our love should be like a door, flung wide open, which leads to a staircase that will take those that we love higher. Unfortunately, they may not choose to take it. But it never chooses for them. Love lets others choose for themselves. No matter the cost. Look at what Jesus did. He flung open the biggest door that ever existed, paid the highest, most precious price ever paid, and yet lets us choose to accept His offer, or to spit in his face. We will never have to suffer as He did, but suffer we will. Choose your poison: pain from a life of selfish 'love', or the pain of loving someone well, loving them higher. Either way there is pain. One produces no fruit, the other, a bounty of good, the least of which is in your own heart! Not to mention what it does for the one you're loving. Yes. Yes. It is worth it. I choose love, because people are worth it. Jesus is worth it. And He did the hardest thing of all.

It's a Good Year to be Free

Do you feel free? I mean on the inside of you? Here's how you can tell: When people (kids, spouses, in laws, co-workers) do hurtful or dumb things to you or around you, you respond.... NOT REACT. You maintain your personal sense of peace even in the midst of said stupidity, hurtfulness, etc. You easily separate your problems from theirs and let yours be yours and theirs be theirs. You are slow to anger and judgement and quick to forgive. When you do fail or fall, you are quick to right your wrongs and don't waste a minute beating yourself up over it. After all, that's what enemies are for. Why help them out? You believe what God says about you to be the truest thing about you. Not what others say. Definitely not what you say! 

That's what freedom looks and feels like. At least to me. That is the freedom I have been and will continue to fight for. In myself. In the ones I love. IN YOU. 

It is a new year. I have strengthened my resolve. I have enlarged my vision. I have increased my faith. I have broadened my horizons..... to see more people... like me (and including me)... who lived or are living in a cell of their own making... while blaming others.... experiencing freedom.

Where to start? I'm going to be honest and NOT candy-coat it. It starts with that guy or girl staring back at you in the mirror when you are brushing your teeth. Look him/her in the eye raise the standard! Make a decision to whiten more than your teeth! Take personal responsibility for your lot in life. The good, the bad and the ugly. Yes, we've all been 'done dirty' by someone(s). But don't use that as an excuse anymore! The buck stops with you. With me. Make a decision to make decisions that allow you to look in that mirror with a clean conscience. Not powerless regret. The person with the most control over my life is ME. Unless I'm giving it away. Who are you giving all that control over your peace and joy to? How is that working for you so far? Take it back. Make it your own again. Commit to being teachable and learn every single day how to be a better you, the best you, eventually. The you that God sees. And allow your faith in God to empower you to succeed, not be an excuse or free pass for your failure. Commit to adding some new, much more effective skills to your relational resumé.

Are you up for it? Tired of the pain that leads to more pain? How about a little pain that actually brings gain? In fact, it pays dividends! It's the journey I am on and will be on until I take my last breath. Will you join me?