Merry Christmas From Our Blended Family

Blending two families into one isn't easy. But it is worth all of the hard work it takes to call all of these amazing people.... FAMILY.

A wise step-dad recently said to me, "When step parenting gets tough, I remind myself that Joseph was a step-father to Jesus." Wow. We think we have it hard... try step-parenting the Son of God.

It's just a little perspective. Step-dads and moms: this one is for YOU. Choosing to co-parent your spouse's children is a difficult but noble thing. Not a lot of people choose to do it at all, much less with love and dedication. And it's a largely thankless job. Sometimes you don't even get thanks from your spouse, much less the kids! But I want you to know that no matter what the situation, it is a privilege to impact and influence the life of a child. So don't grow weary in well-doing. And remember, a lot of the issues they may have with you, they would probably have with anyone in your shoes. Try not to take it personal. Try a gentler approach with them and if you're a hot-head, take a Love and Logic Course. You have no idea how your life can affect the lives of the children that you love (for the good and the bad). It's worth every effort on our part to build up the kids God gave us, no matter how they came to us.

On behalf of the kids you are voluntarily loving, providing for, taking care of... I thank you. Good for you. Keep it up. Those seeds ALWAYS yield a harvest.

And if your spouse is step-parenting your kids, this is the perfect time of year to express your gratitude.

Merry Christmas to your Beautiful Families, Blended or Not.

Love is a Tricky Thing

Love is not easy... We can love someone with all of our hearts and they can be feeling like the complete opposite is true.  We might hear something like, "You don't even love me!" I know this one well. I am a mom who has dedicated my life to loving and raising my children, even educating them myself for twelve years. Yet, there was a long period of time that they did not feel loved by me. When I learned that my love was getting lost in translation... I GOT SOME HELP AND MADE SOME CHANGES! Somehow, all of the energy I spent caring for and worrying about them did not make them feel loved. In fact, because I was afraid for them and angry at others in my life most of the time, they hardly felt like I even liked them. Well, I am still working on it today. I am not where I need to be, but THANK GOD I'm not where I used to be. Now, it is more important to me that my kids feel loved and accepted, no matter what, than if I have the perfect parenting skills. And with the understanding that LOVE does not equal ENABLING, I have come to love my kids better than I used to. And that is all its really about.... getting better and better at this LOVE thing. :-)   Watch this video and love better, too.

Here are a few 'languages' parents speak that kids DO NOT:

• Kids do not translate our fear for how they are going to turn out as love.
• Kids do not translate our anger with them as concern.
• Kids do not translate a 60 hour work week as love.
• Kids do not translate cooking, cleaning, laundry, bill-paying, rides to school, money for the movies, etc. etc. as love or sacrifice. (Don't you wish they did?!)

If you have a feeling your love might be getting lost in translation, consider a few ideas:

• Make eye contact with them when you talk. Get down on their level. Be affectionate.
• Greet them with a special greeting every time you say Hello, Goodbye, Good Morning and Good Night. Be affectionate.
• Join them in an activity that THEY love. 
• Do something thoughtful for them, like a chore, or a favor, without being asked.
• Kids spell love: T-I-M-E. Spend some on them. Just the two of you. 
• Learn some new techniques to use empathy instead of anger when giving consequences so that their bad decision can be the bad guy and you can be the good guy.
• Take a Love and Logic® Class and sharpen your skills and then tell them you are working hard to be a better parent. (Be real with them. They need to know that we don't think we're perfect.)
• Tell them what you see in their heart...not what they have achieved that makes you proud. "You are so generous, You are so kind, You work so hard!" Etc.
•  Above all, Model LOVE and RESPECT. Kids do what we do, NOT what we SAY. Do you want your kids to be loving and respectful? Then treat them that way. Before you know it, everyone in your home will be feeling more loved!

I bet you have some great ideas, too. Try one. See if you can start speaking the same language more often. 

PS. This applies to spouses, too. :-)

There's A Better Way...You Can Count On It

A while back, I took some of my girls to Walmart. We were in the hair/makeup section (me, in hair and makeup? I know.)  As we rounded the corner from one aisle to another, we almost hit head on with a couple of little boys having a blast, seemingly, all by themselves. There were two of them and they were probably five and six years old. They had discovered that the soles of their shoes were more like ice skates on the Walmart tiles and they were loving it. My first thought was, 'I wonder where Mom is?' I figured she couldn't be far. Stumbling across a scene like this, it would be easy to judge but I try hard to steer clear of that... God knows that many times you could have taken this same scene and just inserted me and any two of my Lovely Dozen. I figured that mom wasn't far, like I would've been. My first guess was that she was probably lost in the Bermuda Triangle of comparison shopping. I've been guilty of that. We walked past another aisle, navigating around the two little energizer bunnies and just as we passed by, I heard her. It was definitely Mom, and she was definitely lost in the afore mentioned triangle. In the time it took us to pass her by, she said this: "Kids... Come here............." And then, while still staring at the shelves in front of her, she added... "One........ Two.........."  As her voice trailed off, I swerved to avoid the two wide-eyed, giggling, VERY oblivious little figure skaters. She stopped short of "Three" as she pulled another bottle of whatever off the shelf. At that point, with my sarcasm in tow, I thought, 'How's that counting thing workin' for ya?'  And my daughter Ella and I went on our way. As we walked, I was mentally reviewing the reasons why counting is ineffective and actually teaches our kids the opposite of what we want them to know. (Like waiting for a count-down to listen instead of doing what we ask the first time.) Now, Ella was only two weeks short of her 10th birthday at this time, and she's a smart one. But little did I know, she was thinking about the counting incident, too. And was I surprised by her observation!

"Mom?"

"Yes, Ella?"

"Isn't it sad that some parents actually think that counting works?" 

"Um... Yes, Ella. It is...."

Wow. She had her empathy locked in. She felt bad for the parents who touted counting as their best skill. Then, she asked me a thinking question instead of giving a lecture. There was no sarcasm, no criticism. Just wisdom. 

Moral of the story: When I grow up, I want to be just like Ella.

The Cycle of Anger

Does this look familiar? Someone does something you don't want them to do... So you get mad. You react in your anger.... ready, aim, fire! Their reaction? They get mad right back. They take aim.... and fire. Now... you're even MORE mad! This can go on and on... in one day, or even in one hour. Until you calm down.  Then you feel so guilty that you try to do something nice or make up for your outburst in some way and things calm down for a while again. Until..... they go and do that thing that makes you SO mad AGAIN!

I received a friend request on Facebook once from a somewhat questionable source. I had never met or even heard of this person. Before I hit ignore, which would be my usual practice in cases like this, curiosity got the best of me. I began to read about this person and man, I'm glad I did. First of all, it provided me with hours of entertainment. (Even now, as I type this, I'm chuckling at the memory). Secondly, its great material for this blog! The 'About' section read something like this:

I don't need anger management, I just need people to stop pissing me off!!!!!!! 'Like' if you love Jesus! 

Wow! Where do I begin??? I'll just give it to you in bullet points: 

• Yep. Ignore is the right button for me.
• People are not your problem.... your temper is your problem!
• Don't even get me started on following that ridiculousness up with loving Jesus.....
• FYI as long as you're breathing oxygen, other oxygen breathers are going to say and do things that are at the very least, annoying. And worse: downright hateful. You might want to have a better plan to deal with it than trying to control others....

Controlling others... isn't that what anger is all about? We are mad because they are not doing what WE want them to do. We get mad to teach them to do what we want them to do. I know this because I've lived this. I'm here to tell you... its like a fire. It only grows and spreads.

There is an alternative. What if we take all the energy we are putting into trying to control other people's choices, and spend it on making better choices for ourselves? Let's learn to choose things that make it easier to look in the mirror everyday at the person looking back at us. We can start with three really good ones. They are called the 3 A's:

1. Acknowledge

2. Accept

3. Action

Okay, lets apply the 3 A's to all of those people who are pissing you off. 1. Acknowledge that the actions of others are frustrating, hurtful, etc. 2. Accept that YOU CANNOT CONTROL THE ACTIONS OF OTHERS! (And you were never meant to-not even your kids-God gave His kids free will. If it's good enough for His kids, isn't it good enough for yours? Btw, that is also why there are consequences.) 3. Take Action by doing something that you CAN do something about: YOURSELF. You have the MOST control and the MOST influence over YOU. Make a choice for you. Will you keep YOUR SIDE of the street clean? Start by replacing the cycle of anger with a new cycle - OF RESPECT. Decide to stop reading your lines from the script for the Angry Play. Excuse yourself when that outburst is on the tip of your tongue and the fire in your chest is kindled. Maybe even excuse yourself before that. Tell the ones you love... I love you too much to keep doing this. And love yourself enough to stop listening to the hateful words being thrown at you like flaming darts. Love others enough to set some limits and enforce them. If its your child, with an, "I hate you! You don't love me at all!" Say, "Nice try. I will talk to you more about this when we are both calm."  Then, remove them and/or yourself. Model TIME-OUTS. Let's go to our room to calm down. Isn't that what we want them to do? Then later, when you are calm, tell them you will do those 'extra' things for them when you feel respected. Raise up a standard for respect in your life, home and heart. But if you want more of it, then you must give more of it. This applies to all relationships including parent/child. Every human being wants to feel respected and valued. Don't ask others to give you something that you are not willing to give to them. That is hypocrisy and people can smell a hypocrite from a mile away. It starts with YOU. It starts with ME. We can break the cycle today!

Is this easy? No. Will it change overnight? No. But is change really possible? Yes. Will it be worth every struggling effort? Yes. Will looking in the mirror become a lot less tormenting? Yes. And the best news? Modeling is still the most powerful way to influence others. What you model to your loved ones screams louder than the MOST ANGRY LECTURE. Model respect. Model self-control. More is caught than taught. Your kids will do as you do, not as you say.

If this seems IMPOSSIBLE to you, then you are in good company. I was the most angry person you can imagine. I spent every waking moment mad about something or at someone. I have not arrived, I am still a work in progress, but through faith and hard work, I am not an angry person anymore. I get angry, sure. But the two are worlds apart. 

I want you to succeed in this. I want your home to be a happier, more loving home. And I believe it can be. I will gladly point you to the resources that helped me most, if you'd like. But start somewhere. Break the cycle in your heart and home. Start with your faith, and add to it some hard work. You are worth it. Your family is worth it.

  

 Do you love an Angry kid?

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For more information about overcoming anger and raising the standard for respect, contact me today at kimberly@kjkenterprises.com, or visit the official Love and Logic Website at loveandlogic.com.

Can Kids Really Do Chores?

Sometimes when I talk to parents about the value of chores, the muscles in their faces seem to tense up and maybe even a wrinkle finds its way through their foreheads. This is usually due to and followed by an explanation of the ages of their children, the crazy school + extra-curricular schedule they are attempting to keep and various other reasons why chores are just kind of.... unrealistic for their family. Hmm. Are they unrealistic..... really? Or is the thought of making your kids do chores just intimidating? Maybe parents just flat out don't believe that a little kid is capable of actual productivity. Maybe mom or dad would rather just do it themselves than take the time and effort to teach it, expect it and then hold Jr. accountable for it. Are they just a hassle? Is it that we've picked our battles and chores is just NOT going to be one of them?  Maybe its a little of each.

Well, for fear of getting up on my soap box about kids and chores... I'm just going to.... well.... never mind. I'm getting up on my soap box right now:

KIDS NEED TO DO CHORES. Yes, I said NEED. Reasons why:

1. Chores teach kids they are needed in the family unit. (We do our part, mortgage, cooking, shopping, etc. Kids do their part... dishes, fold laundry, sweep, lawn, etc. We need each other.)

2. Chores teach responsibility. (If you can get it out, you can put it away.)

3. Chores teach work ethic. (The only cure for laziness is hard work.)

4. Chores teach priorities. (Work hard, play hard! In that order.)

5. Chores prepare kids for the 'Real World'. (Unless the children have a trust fund and a full staff, they will eventually have to wash a dish, pick up after themselves, and clean...something. And if they have an aversion to such activities? Good luck to their future spouses and employers.)

I could go on and on and on about how many kids have no idea how to survive as adults these days, because everything was done for them. Or about how more and more places are raising the employment age requirement because they don't want to babysit 14 or even 15 year olds anymore. I mean, have you been to McDonald's lately? Have you seen the deer-in-the-headlights look on that poor child's face when you place your order or he has to count your change? It's just sad. But at least those kids have jobs! What's even more sad are the number of kids who not only do not have to do chores at home, but they don't even have to get a job! "Good grades are their job," parents say. Okay, I get that. A good academic resume leads to a good college education which leads to a good career which leads to success. In theory. What if that is all there, ON PAPER, but as it turns out, he just doesn't have the grit to go and USE all of that?! In fact, what if he doesn't even have the grit to make it through college? "He just wasn't ready for the real world." (And it was college-not even a job and an apartment and bills!) I have heard so many sad stories like that.

Studies have shown us that it isn't good grades that best equip young people for the real world, it's household CHORES. It is a good old fashioned work ethic that kids today are lacking. Think about it in terms of your own life. Did you acquire your work ethic in school doing homework or from summer jobs/working around your house/paying your own way through college, etc? I'm not advocating replacing one with the other. I am challenging you to put chores on AT LEAST the same priority level as homework. And watch your kids amaze you.

Today, while I am working from home, I share my 'office space' with five stinkers, as I affectionately call them. We all had work to do today.  I started the day of with our homemade chore list and the kids got to work and so did I. At some point today I thought to myself: What better way to break through the barriers that are keeping parents from assigning chores than to show them what their little love bugs are capable of? So I decided to show you what MY love bugs did today, while I happily typed this, made phone calls and coached others to success.

Before you see our chore list for today, there's a few things you should know. Some of the chores were chosen by the kids and some were assigned. Some were suggested by very HELPFUL kids as I sat and made the list. I told the kids they had until dinner time to do the chores, but that I do not want to hear the TV until all the chores were done. I told them that I would go check up on their handy work when my work day was over, before I begin dinner. I also told them that during the making-phone-calls portion of my day, (right after they were done eating and cleaning up lunch) I needed absolute quiet, so they could be upstairs or outside. Another very important detail to note before seeing the chore list... their ages:

Maci: 13 years old
Isaac: 12 years old
Ella:    9 years old
Eli:      8 years old
Ava:    6 years old

MOST IMPORTANT DETAIL to note: I am NOT posting this to brag. There are many many families where the children do chores and kids work hard and parents are much more on top of things than me. Our family is still a work in progress but I love to share what IS working for us and see other families growing with us. I am posting this to EMPOWER. To shatter myths. To impact this culture. To take some of the wrinkle out of the foreheads of parents so that American kids can be amazing again, instead of cliche' or something even worse: a mockery.

In this day and age, there are fewer and fewer farm families. I barely even know people with vegetable gardens anymore. Our kids no longer have organic opportunities for some good physical work. Add to that all of the conveniences of modern technology and you've got a whole generation of kids that, without some DELIBERATE INTERVENTION, will not have the practice working hard that they will need to be successful in life.Okay, I'm done with my rant.

So here it is.... And as with any piece of paper left out in our house for more than an hour, there are already doodle marks on it. The small print at the top of page one is Maci saying, "Maci has 3 more chores." and Isaac saying, "No, Isaac has the same." Kids are so funny.

Now- to answer some common questions: "Did they really do all of that?" Well, I have not inspected as of yet, but as I type, two little secretaries are going around the house with the clipboard finding out why some of the boxes are not yet checked and doing some inspecting of their own. Kids that have chores done before dinner time, will be invited to my dinner table. The alternative: finish your chores while we enjoy mom's AMAZING dinner (leftovers) and make a PB&J when you're done. :-( So sad, but we support your decision to procrastinate.  :-)

Next question: "How well can a bunch of kids do all of that work?" Answer: Pretty darn well! Even better with practice! My question to you: Would you rather have a lot of work done almost as well as you would do it, or NOT DONE AT ALL? You can decide. (We love to give choices around here.)

OH! I can't believe I almost forgot the very best reason to give chores! Reason #6 .........  CHORES BUILD SELF ESTEEM. What? How? I know, it sounds far-reached. But stick with me. I will keep it short and sweet. High self-esteem comes from a feeling of accomplishment. Period. Not from people telling you all day how great you are. People feel the best about themselves when they set out to do something, give it all they've got, and do it! Give your kids something to accomplish. A job well-done. The feeling at the end of the day when you worked hard and you can look at the results. Kids, like adults, believe they are capable of big things when they've DONE big things. Not when someone just tells them they can do big things. Give your kids the gift of a great self esteem. Give them the gift of accomplishment. Give them chores.  :-)

Is It Time For A Makeover?

Our kids learn a lot from us. Unfortunately, not always what we want them to be learning. Often our best intentions and purest motives for our children are undermined by our own parenting style. We love our kids, that's not the problem. But is our parenting style causing our love to get lost in translation? Consider this question: Is it time for a parenting style makeover? Well, if you fall into one of the two most commonly found parenting style categories, then YES IT IS! These two parenting style disasters are what we call the Drill Sergeant and the Helicopter. And let's just say, they are as out of style as those 1980's shoulder pads!

Drill Sergeants, while easy to identify with their "its my way or the highway" philosophy are not so easy to reform. (Take it from this recovering Drill Sergeant!) These parents are all about control! They command and direct all or most areas of the lives of their children with lots of demands (direct orders) and children are expected to salute! Their children have little or no practice in taking control of their lives or solving their own problems. Even problems brought on by the children themselves are typically solved by the Drill Sergeant with barked out orders. These parents rely heavily on punishment and threats to teach the lesson. The Three Rules the Drill Sergeant lives by are: Berate, Belittle and Bewilder. And sadly, the lesson typically learned by the children of Drill Sergeants is that Mom or Dad and their anger is the bad guy instead of their own bad decision.

Helicopters, fast becoming the parenting style of our time, is easily identified by their "hover and rescue" philosophy. They are all about protection and spend an incredible amount of energy rescuing their children from the 'hostile' world we live in. Anything negative is viewed as an enemy that children need protection from. These parents may regularly protect their children from household chores, consequences at school or even the other parent! Pain and struggle for the children is to be avoided at all costs. This even includes the natural consequences of the children's poor decisions. However, after saving their children from such adversaries, Helicopters typically use guilt to teach the lesson with statements like, "Look at everything I have to do for you! When are you going to learn?" Using the Three Rules of the Helicopter: Rant, Rave and Rescue, they really only teach their children that they are fragile and entitled.

While Drill Sergeants and Helicopters love their children and have the best intentions in the world, their various styles send their children a powerful and dangerous unspoken message. The message is this: "You can't handle your life. You are too weak. You need me to do all the thinking and problem solving." Unfortunately, the children of Drill Sergeants, though loyally saluted when young, commonly use a salute of a different kind by their teen years. The children of Helicopters grow more and more dependent upon Mom/Dad to protect/defend and provide for them. This results in a lack of problem solving and coping skills as well as an overdeveloped sense of entitlement. The outcome of such debilitating covert messages reinforced over years is young adults released to the real world without any real practice in actual living. They never got to listen to their own conscience, learn from their own mistakes or solve their own problems. Many times they end up in a genuinely paralyzed mental/emotional state when facing the real world on their own. Sadly, in spite of our deep and committed love for our children, these methods will produce less confident, less capable and less responsible members of society: the exact opposite of what any loving parent wants to achieve!

Does this sound a bit discouraging? Well fear not, there is a third kind of parenting style... the Consultant. This parent works hard to see that their motives and methods match up! They set and enforce limits as loving authority figures in spite of the discomfort it causes their children. They live by the old adage: "Practice makes perfect" and allow their children to practice making decisions and solving problems from early on. They do this because they know that the bigger the kid, the bigger the consequence, so the younger they fail, the better! And when their children do make poor decisions, Consultants allow empathy and the natural consequences to do the teaching. Consultants guide their children through problem solving but never solve problems for them. These parents share control with their children through choices and allow their children to live with the consequences of those choices. They use more actions and fewer words. These parents sends the "can do" message to their children. The Three Rules of the Consultant: Enforce, Empathize and Empower allow their children to develop character the way all the great men and women of History have: through struggle and achievement.

The good news is that its never too late. Not for your children and not for you! Take it from a recovering Drill Sergeant with 12 children. If there is hope for me, there is hope for anyone! 

Ready for your makeover? Discover Parenting with Love and Logic^® by checking out the official website at loveandlogic.com or email me today for your free Parent Coaching Session at kimberly@kjkenterprises.com.

Are Your Eyes Smiling?

Recently, while teaching a parenting class, I was reminded about this fascinating dynamic of communication: only 7% is verbal. That means that 93% of what you say has nothing to do with your words. We are saying more with our body language, facial expressions and tone of voice, etc. than with our actual words. One of the most effective ways to communicate your love and affection more effectively is by asking yourself, "How do I like to be spoken to?" If you appreciate affection, then give it. If a harsh voice makes you feel uncomfortable, then it probably does to those around you. If you feel better when your being smiled at, then smile! In fact, try an experiment. Take one day and smile at everyone you see. You'll be amazed at how many people actually smile back. A simple smile is a wonderful way to add joy to your day, and to someone else's. It may sound a bit ridiculous to some, but do you remember to smile at your own children? Moms and dads can be so caught up in the day's routine, that they forget to even make eye contact with their children, much less smile. And if you think that your kids are too 'little' to be affected by your non-verbal communication, think again. While discussing non-verbal communication in class, one participant shared a story with us about her toddler. Her little one encountered a certain man, and the little one didn't find this encounter very pleasant. Mommy said, "Oh, he was okay Sweetie. Remember he was smiling?"  The toddler replied, "Yeah, but his eyes weren't smiling!" Are yours?