A Tough Boundary Question
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| Do you need to draw a line in the sand? |
I received a question from a client who is working hard to set boundaries with her husband. She loves him and wants her marriage to work, but he will not take personal responsibility for his anger and how it is affecting her and their two children (long term, chronic problem). So she moved herself and her two kids out of the house and in with her parents (he refused to move out) and put the ball in her hubby's court by asking him to get help so that their family can be together in a healthy way. Her question to me was:
"The question or advice I am in need of is weighing heavy on me, when is it okay for me and the kids to move back home? I know I would love to go and be back in my own home but I don't want to rush this, I know I want to wait until he goes and actually meets someone [therapist]. Then I have doubts because last time he went to the church group he went for only a month and quit and said he didn't need help...I know I don't want to put a timeline on it, but I am just not sure."
Here is my response:
You are wise to forgo a timeline or deadline date.
We would say to kids who have failed to be responsible for their actions, "I will take a chance on you, trust you, allow you to do blank, when I don't have to worry about blank causing a problem anymore."
The same goes for adults who cross our boundaries and refuse to take personal responsibility for it. It is a gift to them to give them a chance to completely solve the problem they have created. (And sad when they choose not to.)
You will know when you are not worried or concerned or when you feel safe and ready to try again at home. You will no longer feel the fears and apprehension you feel now because something is happening to address, solve and change the problem. Ownership has been taken and ENOUGH TIME has passed to indicate the efforts to solve the ongoing long term problem aren't just manipulative in nature.
In the meantime, it is GREAT to express to our loved ones that THIS is the criteria for which we will try again (i.e., "I will come back home when I no longer have to worry about this problem.") Some people only take ownership of the problems THEY CREATE when the know that you WILL NOT. In the mean time, You can take total ownership of 1. Your part in the problem and 2. What you are willing or not willing to do because of their part of the problem. (And GOOD FOR YOU FOR THAT!!)
Make sense?
Boundaries with people we love are hard but necessary. We implement and enforce our boundaries to raise the standard of love and respect for both parties involved... not just for ourselves. By raising the bar for the one we love, we are telling them that they are capable of so much more. And they are. We all are. Our love should grow others, not keep them small, weak or crippled.
By the way, there are TWO elements to boundaries that must be implemented in order for them to be effective.
1. Setting the boundary.......We do this with WORDS (Easy part)
2. Enforcing the boundary........We do this with ACTIONS (Hard part...I won't lie!)
My anonymous client who I quoted above (with her permission) did both of these very well. How about you?
