Can Kids Really Do Chores?

Sometimes when I talk to parents about the value of chores, the muscles in their faces seem to tense up and maybe even a wrinkle finds its way through their foreheads. This is usually due to and followed by an explanation of the ages of their children, the crazy school + extra-curricular schedule they are attempting to keep and various other reasons why chores are just kind of.... unrealistic for their family. Hmm. Are they unrealistic..... really? Or is the thought of making your kids do chores just intimidating? Maybe parents just flat out don't believe that a little kid is capable of actual productivity. Maybe mom or dad would rather just do it themselves than take the time and effort to teach it, expect it and then hold Jr. accountable for it. Are they just a hassle? Is it that we've picked our battles and chores is just NOT going to be one of them?  Maybe its a little of each.

Well, for fear of getting up on my soap box about kids and chores... I'm just going to.... well.... never mind. I'm getting up on my soap box right now:

KIDS NEED TO DO CHORES. Yes, I said NEED. Reasons why:

1. Chores teach kids they are needed in the family unit. (We do our part, mortgage, cooking, shopping, etc. Kids do their part... dishes, fold laundry, sweep, lawn, etc. We need each other.)

2. Chores teach responsibility. (If you can get it out, you can put it away.)

3. Chores teach work ethic. (The only cure for laziness is hard work.)

4. Chores teach priorities. (Work hard, play hard! In that order.)

5. Chores prepare kids for the 'Real World'. (Unless the children have a trust fund and a full staff, they will eventually have to wash a dish, pick up after themselves, and clean...something. And if they have an aversion to such activities? Good luck to their future spouses and employers.)

I could go on and on and on about how many kids have no idea how to survive as adults these days, because everything was done for them. Or about how more and more places are raising the employment age requirement because they don't want to babysit 14 or even 15 year olds anymore. I mean, have you been to McDonald's lately? Have you seen the deer-in-the-headlights look on that poor child's face when you place your order or he has to count your change? It's just sad. But at least those kids have jobs! What's even more sad are the number of kids who not only do not have to do chores at home, but they don't even have to get a job! "Good grades are their job," parents say. Okay, I get that. A good academic resume leads to a good college education which leads to a good career which leads to success. In theory. What if that is all there, ON PAPER, but as it turns out, he just doesn't have the grit to go and USE all of that?! In fact, what if he doesn't even have the grit to make it through college? "He just wasn't ready for the real world." (And it was college-not even a job and an apartment and bills!) I have heard so many sad stories like that.

Studies have shown us that it isn't good grades that best equip young people for the real world, it's household CHORES. It is a good old fashioned work ethic that kids today are lacking. Think about it in terms of your own life. Did you acquire your work ethic in school doing homework or from summer jobs/working around your house/paying your own way through college, etc? I'm not advocating replacing one with the other. I am challenging you to put chores on AT LEAST the same priority level as homework. And watch your kids amaze you.

Today, while I am working from home, I share my 'office space' with five stinkers, as I affectionately call them. We all had work to do today.  I started the day of with our homemade chore list and the kids got to work and so did I. At some point today I thought to myself: What better way to break through the barriers that are keeping parents from assigning chores than to show them what their little love bugs are capable of? So I decided to show you what MY love bugs did today, while I happily typed this, made phone calls and coached others to success.

Before you see our chore list for today, there's a few things you should know. Some of the chores were chosen by the kids and some were assigned. Some were suggested by very HELPFUL kids as I sat and made the list. I told the kids they had until dinner time to do the chores, but that I do not want to hear the TV until all the chores were done. I told them that I would go check up on their handy work when my work day was over, before I begin dinner. I also told them that during the making-phone-calls portion of my day, (right after they were done eating and cleaning up lunch) I needed absolute quiet, so they could be upstairs or outside. Another very important detail to note before seeing the chore list... their ages:

Maci: 13 years old
Isaac: 12 years old
Ella:    9 years old
Eli:      8 years old
Ava:    6 years old

MOST IMPORTANT DETAIL to note: I am NOT posting this to brag. There are many many families where the children do chores and kids work hard and parents are much more on top of things than me. Our family is still a work in progress but I love to share what IS working for us and see other families growing with us. I am posting this to EMPOWER. To shatter myths. To impact this culture. To take some of the wrinkle out of the foreheads of parents so that American kids can be amazing again, instead of cliche' or something even worse: a mockery.

In this day and age, there are fewer and fewer farm families. I barely even know people with vegetable gardens anymore. Our kids no longer have organic opportunities for some good physical work. Add to that all of the conveniences of modern technology and you've got a whole generation of kids that, without some DELIBERATE INTERVENTION, will not have the practice working hard that they will need to be successful in life.Okay, I'm done with my rant.

So here it is.... And as with any piece of paper left out in our house for more than an hour, there are already doodle marks on it. The small print at the top of page one is Maci saying, "Maci has 3 more chores." and Isaac saying, "No, Isaac has the same." Kids are so funny.

Now- to answer some common questions: "Did they really do all of that?" Well, I have not inspected as of yet, but as I type, two little secretaries are going around the house with the clipboard finding out why some of the boxes are not yet checked and doing some inspecting of their own. Kids that have chores done before dinner time, will be invited to my dinner table. The alternative: finish your chores while we enjoy mom's AMAZING dinner (leftovers) and make a PB&J when you're done. :-( So sad, but we support your decision to procrastinate.  :-)

Next question: "How well can a bunch of kids do all of that work?" Answer: Pretty darn well! Even better with practice! My question to you: Would you rather have a lot of work done almost as well as you would do it, or NOT DONE AT ALL? You can decide. (We love to give choices around here.)

OH! I can't believe I almost forgot the very best reason to give chores! Reason #6 .........  CHORES BUILD SELF ESTEEM. What? How? I know, it sounds far-reached. But stick with me. I will keep it short and sweet. High self-esteem comes from a feeling of accomplishment. Period. Not from people telling you all day how great you are. People feel the best about themselves when they set out to do something, give it all they've got, and do it! Give your kids something to accomplish. A job well-done. The feeling at the end of the day when you worked hard and you can look at the results. Kids, like adults, believe they are capable of big things when they've DONE big things. Not when someone just tells them they can do big things. Give your kids the gift of a great self esteem. Give them the gift of accomplishment. Give them chores.  :-)

Is It Time For A Makeover?

Our kids learn a lot from us. Unfortunately, not always what we want them to be learning. Often our best intentions and purest motives for our children are undermined by our own parenting style. We love our kids, that's not the problem. But is our parenting style causing our love to get lost in translation? Consider this question: Is it time for a parenting style makeover? Well, if you fall into one of the two most commonly found parenting style categories, then YES IT IS! These two parenting style disasters are what we call the Drill Sergeant and the Helicopter. And let's just say, they are as out of style as those 1980's shoulder pads!

Drill Sergeants, while easy to identify with their "its my way or the highway" philosophy are not so easy to reform. (Take it from this recovering Drill Sergeant!) These parents are all about control! They command and direct all or most areas of the lives of their children with lots of demands (direct orders) and children are expected to salute! Their children have little or no practice in taking control of their lives or solving their own problems. Even problems brought on by the children themselves are typically solved by the Drill Sergeant with barked out orders. These parents rely heavily on punishment and threats to teach the lesson. The Three Rules the Drill Sergeant lives by are: Berate, Belittle and Bewilder. And sadly, the lesson typically learned by the children of Drill Sergeants is that Mom or Dad and their anger is the bad guy instead of their own bad decision.

Helicopters, fast becoming the parenting style of our time, is easily identified by their "hover and rescue" philosophy. They are all about protection and spend an incredible amount of energy rescuing their children from the 'hostile' world we live in. Anything negative is viewed as an enemy that children need protection from. These parents may regularly protect their children from household chores, consequences at school or even the other parent! Pain and struggle for the children is to be avoided at all costs. This even includes the natural consequences of the children's poor decisions. However, after saving their children from such adversaries, Helicopters typically use guilt to teach the lesson with statements like, "Look at everything I have to do for you! When are you going to learn?" Using the Three Rules of the Helicopter: Rant, Rave and Rescue, they really only teach their children that they are fragile and entitled.

While Drill Sergeants and Helicopters love their children and have the best intentions in the world, their various styles send their children a powerful and dangerous unspoken message. The message is this: "You can't handle your life. You are too weak. You need me to do all the thinking and problem solving." Unfortunately, the children of Drill Sergeants, though loyally saluted when young, commonly use a salute of a different kind by their teen years. The children of Helicopters grow more and more dependent upon Mom/Dad to protect/defend and provide for them. This results in a lack of problem solving and coping skills as well as an overdeveloped sense of entitlement. The outcome of such debilitating covert messages reinforced over years is young adults released to the real world without any real practice in actual living. They never got to listen to their own conscience, learn from their own mistakes or solve their own problems. Many times they end up in a genuinely paralyzed mental/emotional state when facing the real world on their own. Sadly, in spite of our deep and committed love for our children, these methods will produce less confident, less capable and less responsible members of society: the exact opposite of what any loving parent wants to achieve!

Does this sound a bit discouraging? Well fear not, there is a third kind of parenting style... the Consultant. This parent works hard to see that their motives and methods match up! They set and enforce limits as loving authority figures in spite of the discomfort it causes their children. They live by the old adage: "Practice makes perfect" and allow their children to practice making decisions and solving problems from early on. They do this because they know that the bigger the kid, the bigger the consequence, so the younger they fail, the better! And when their children do make poor decisions, Consultants allow empathy and the natural consequences to do the teaching. Consultants guide their children through problem solving but never solve problems for them. These parents share control with their children through choices and allow their children to live with the consequences of those choices. They use more actions and fewer words. These parents sends the "can do" message to their children. The Three Rules of the Consultant: Enforce, Empathize and Empower allow their children to develop character the way all the great men and women of History have: through struggle and achievement.

The good news is that its never too late. Not for your children and not for you! Take it from a recovering Drill Sergeant with 12 children. If there is hope for me, there is hope for anyone! 

Ready for your makeover? Discover Parenting with Love and Logic^® by checking out the official website at loveandlogic.com or email me today for your free Parent Coaching Session at kimberly@kjkenterprises.com.

Are Your Eyes Smiling?

Recently, while teaching a parenting class, I was reminded about this fascinating dynamic of communication: only 7% is verbal. That means that 93% of what you say has nothing to do with your words. We are saying more with our body language, facial expressions and tone of voice, etc. than with our actual words. One of the most effective ways to communicate your love and affection more effectively is by asking yourself, "How do I like to be spoken to?" If you appreciate affection, then give it. If a harsh voice makes you feel uncomfortable, then it probably does to those around you. If you feel better when your being smiled at, then smile! In fact, try an experiment. Take one day and smile at everyone you see. You'll be amazed at how many people actually smile back. A simple smile is a wonderful way to add joy to your day, and to someone else's. It may sound a bit ridiculous to some, but do you remember to smile at your own children? Moms and dads can be so caught up in the day's routine, that they forget to even make eye contact with their children, much less smile. And if you think that your kids are too 'little' to be affected by your non-verbal communication, think again. While discussing non-verbal communication in class, one participant shared a story with us about her toddler. Her little one encountered a certain man, and the little one didn't find this encounter very pleasant. Mommy said, "Oh, he was okay Sweetie. Remember he was smiling?"  The toddler replied, "Yeah, but his eyes weren't smiling!" Are yours?