So..... I ran an experiment. I decided to put my Love and Logic skills on a shelf and be a good old fashioned drill sergeant again. On purpose. I did this because I was genuinely frustrated, but I really wondered if some shock and awe might just throw the kids off guard enough to get some results. I know from my old drill sergeant days that if this frustrated, angry, bossy mom is all they get, then it is totally ineffective. But I thought, it's been a while since they got that mom..... so lets give it a whirl.
I started with some good old fashioned yelling. I threw in some threats of impending doom and topped it off with dripping sarcasm. And being totally truthful..... it felt good! In the moment, it felt great. No more having to work so hard to use my skills! Stay calm? Nahhhh. Remember my one-liners, etc. Uh-ah. No empathy from this Drill Sergeant, Mom! Man, I was sick of this crap! Enough was enough already! This will teach 'em! And the kids could see that Mom was NOT HAPPY. The problems I was most sick of were mostly with one particular strong-willed 12 year old. He was the one I was really hoping to 'send a message' to. As the evening unfolded, I noticed that everyone.... that is everyone EXCEPT FOR the 12 year old.... were falling in line and saluting like little soldiers. I even got a note from Ava (my 7 year old) saying how bad she felt for me because the kids were making me so "tyird" and "frustratid" (tired and frustrated).
I know. Heart wrenching. I'll get to the note in a minute. So I've got a troop of little soldiers and one who's gone AWOL. Well, not really, but in terms of joining the others to salute, definitely AWOL. What became quickly and painfully obvious to me was that the more frustrated I became, the more challenging he became. A power struggle ensued over anything and everything that this kids could think up until beyond his bedtime. It ended with him leaving his bedroom door open after they all went to bed, so that the dog would keep going in his room. He would then chase him out of the room, down the stairs with all of the noise and drama you can imagine claiming that he just "can't get Lincoln to stay out of his room!" (Because closing the door just wouldn't get his mom's goat like chasing the dog around the house and yelling and pounding after everyone's bedtime so that wasn't an option.) After 3 or so rounds of this, I calmly went up stairs and closed his bedroom door. Within 30 seconds, I heard him open the door. Is your blood pressure going up just reading this? I know. At this point I faced the facts: MISSION FAILED. ABORT. ABORT. ABORT.
I calmly put Lincoln in his kennel. Left the door and the child alone and put myself in a time-out. I needed to decompress and reflect on this later. No sense in staying worked up. Everyone was in bed now, the house was quiet (or so I hoped). A couple of hours later, as I was getting ready to go to bed and I had this feeling - familiar, but unwelcome. I felt........ bad. I felt like a bad mom. I remembered my yelling. Even though it was a "controlled outburst" it was an outburst, nonetheless. I just didn't feel proud of that. I knew I had gotten in the ring. And worse - I got in the ring first and invited tham all in! I felt... icky. Guilty. Then I took a couple of minutes to read the note that Ava had given me several hours earlier.......... yikes. My heart just sank. The one I was attempting to teach was further away from learning and the littlest of them all got caught in the crossfire. More confirmation that my experiment had failed. And isn't that like combat? It's always the innocent that suffer most.
But here's what's great about experiments: Even failed ones can be a benefit to you.... IF YOU LEARN FROM THEM. So I quickly pushed aside the temptation to wallow in guilt, decided I would take my skills back off of the shelf and made a mental list of everything I learned from this experiment:
1. Anger and frustration REALLY DO FEED MISBEHAVIOR
2. L&L is spot on when they say, "NEVER TELL A STRONG WILLED KID WHAT TO DO. Instead, tell him what you are willing or not willing to do." As soon as I started telling him what's what.... it was GAME ON. And that's a game I am no longer interested in playing!
3. Making parental decisions out of anger, or any decisions for that matter, is a set up for failure. It is best to wait until you are calm, even if it takes a couple of days! When you are too mad, or you just plain don't know what to do, wait. Wait until your mind is clear. Wait until you can deliver the consequence or bad news to the child with EMPATHY.
4. The more I yelled and argued with the kids, the more arguing and yelling went on in my house. All of the sudden it was time for everyone to tell everyone else everything on their minds....... It was one thing after another. What a can of worms I opened!
5. Making kids feel that they are responsible for your emotional state is not fair to them or healthy. I am in charge of how I feel and how I act based on those feelings. Ava's note was a painful reminder that kids are little sponges and they soak up everything you teach them, spoken and unspoken.
6. The most important and profound lesson I learned is that I use my skills to FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF! Not to control my children. I've ended many days having one or more strong willed kids who refused to 'learn' and went to bed while still trying to get me to engage and jump in the ring. But the difference was: When I used my skills, I went to bed feeling good about me and at peace on the inside. And that's the way I prefer to live.
I was also reminded that kids are quick to forgive when we are quick to apologize. :-) Thank God.
So there you have it..... confessions from a recovering Drill Sergeant's failed but wonderfully confirming experiment.
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